Monday, September 1, 2008

Thank God it's not MY labor day.

So, today I went to the drive-thru Starbucks and I drank a pretty nasty latte. Then Janine wanted to go to Babies'R'Us since her cousin is having a baby soon, she wanted to get gifts. So, Betsy and I accompanied her. I walked in with my coffee... and I was just strolling around the store like I had any business being there. Oh my god, baby clothes are so cute. And my first thought was, "I can't wait to buy these for someone's baby." Not, "I can't wait to buy these for MY baby!"

I mean, that's natural right? I'm 22... I shouldn't be wanting kids right now, right? I just graduated, I just got my first full-time job and I can barely afford my drinking/Target habit - so there's no way a child could fit into my young adult life. I mean, c'mon, I just started reading the Twilight book series... and I spent the entirety of yesterday in a t-shirt that said MUGGLE on it. (It was a lazy day...)

But then we started walking around more. And at one point, Janine held hands with me and I was like, "This is fun... I like pretending we're a lesbian couple..." so I wanted to start saying things like, "I am NOT putting our baby in that thing!" and there was a bib that said, "I love my Mommy!" and I wanted to say really loud, "If only it said, 'Mommies', right?" Then there was a bib that read "I'm cute and messy, just like my daddy." and I snickered... because it was kind of sexual.

That's when I realized I can't have a kid. Then and when my sister and Janine were getting so excited about things and I was like, "Meh... when can we leave here and listen to the Dreamgirls soundtrack in the car?" I hated so much about Babies'R'Us. The child atmosphere. The "Mother's room" that had changing tables and couches... so comfortable couches... why do MOTHERS get to have the couches and not me? I hated the thousands of things you have to buy to prepare, and the way you walk around and feel so much pressure because you haven't got this and that and this yet.

I'm not saying anything bad about kids. I actually like kids. They're cute (when they're not yelling behind me on a plane or something like that.) But, I'm just not as excited about the idea of having a kid right now as people I know. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I mean, maybe I'll have a kid someday... maybe. It's likely. But really, I'm selfish. I mean, I love making MANUALS on how to do things (check out my most recent manuals - Improv Asylum Box Office Manual, and Improv Asylum Manager Manual) but when it comes down to it - I hate actually training people on how to do things. I'm going to have to train a child on how to live its life.

Will they like Tina Fey? Will they say 'F' instead of the actual 'F' word like I do? (I say 'fuck' when I'm angry) Will they text while they drive... drunk? Will they watch tons of TV on DVD? WHAT IF THEY DON'T LIKE HARRY POTTER?

Ok, I'm 22 - I've got time. Thank god for BC & condoms, am I right? GROSS, PATTY.


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