Monday, October 6, 2008

Things I Obsess Over


Everything.

Besides that though - I find that I have an obsessive personality. I've always known this... since my younger days when I thought I wouldn't be able to live until I was living on the tour bus of the Backstreet Boys.

My taste has since changed.

But, I go through episodes.

This, I believe, all comes down to the fact that I'm an "Adult Child of an Alcoholic". When I was younger and going through therapy - this was pointed out to me. I had never heard about it before, but when I was handed fact sheets and brochures, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

The isolation, dependency on relationships, self-deprecating, always feeling like a victim, GUILT, and the kicker - the obsessive compulsive personality. I think obsessing over things is the least of my issues - when you look at the other list of problems, but still, I obsess!

A lot of people do though, right? Like when I discovered Arrested Development - I watched it about 5 times in a row, over and over and over... learning dialogue, speaking in dialogue, laughing about it when I wasn't watching it or quoting it to my sister. Or, Saturday Night Live. Or Tina Fey. Or The Backstreet Boys. Or being in control. Or improv comedy. Or sexualness. Or whatever it is. It's weird. I've gone through so many different phases... right now I have no idea what it is. Maybe memoirs. I just finished my "Twilight" fix, and just got over a "I need to go to Vegas like every weekend I love it so much!" kick.

ACOA's have a lot of bad qualities - but I don't think I'm a bad person because of it. A lot of times I feel crazy, like I wonder why I try to please everyone but myself a lot of times, or why I feel so guilty when I get drunk and people have to take care of me or I feel like people think I'm an idiot because of it (hm, just as an example... can't think of a time that has happened recently... hmm).

Because, well, I'm a good person ultimately. And who the F cares if I watch WAY too much "30 Rock" and quote it in my sleep?

Maybe I do try to please people more than I need to, and I care too much about keeping my close relationship in tact - and yes, I do drink. And I do feel guilty afterwards... always. But it's out of my hands. I always mean well!

OK, I'm done. That's what my brain's thinking about right now. Please don't hate me... I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry....

I'm kidding, I'm not really. That was a little ACOA joke, ha ha ha I'm so funny.

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