Friday, October 24, 2008

When Being You Is Kinda OK


I've noticed some things lately in my search for a better soul, that I'm kind of a bad person. I'm certainly not the worst person, but I'm definitely not the best person (to steal a quote from the great season premiere of "30 Rock" which can be seen on Hulu.com). But, a lot of my relationships are built on this fact that I'm kind of a bad person.

Last night, in great dispair and hatred for myself.. with my head down on the computer I said, "I'm a bad person." to which Jenny responded, "Yeah, but you wouldn't be as fun if you weren't." She also said something similar when I said something mean about someone and she said, "Be nice" and then said, "though it's more fun when you're not."

Jeremy has once said, "I knew I liked you when I heard you say something sarcastic and bitchy and I was like that one, I like her."

At my new job, I've made great friends... generally by being funny. But also, some, from being mean WHILE being funny.

I've complained about how I should be nicer in the past, and tons of friends have said, "No!! That's what I like about you!"

So, I don't know where I stand or what I should do. I don't know if I believe in karma or not, but I think it's a terrifying thing. It's terrifying to think all of your wrongdoings could somehow come back to bite you in the ass someday. And I've certainly had moments where I felt like that was happening.

But, on other days, and in general, I'm a good person. I care a lot, and often too much, about other people. I put everyone before myself... everyone's feelings, comfort, everything - before my own. So, I gossip every now and then and I don't like people because they're ugly, or annoying, or look snobby. I'm wondering if there's a balance somewhere. I'm equally terrible and great.

But I know one thing - I have great friends. Friends who don't care if I'm a psycho crazy bitch, or make bad decisions, or be upset for the same reasons all the time... they're OK with me and think I rock regardless. There's something great about someone putting up with you when you don't think you deserve it.

Today has been a weird day. I'm SO excited and happy and anxious... and in other ways my soul hurts a whole lot. But, maybe that's Karma's (Karma is a person now) way of getting back at me for being equally bad and good - it's making me feel equally great and terrible. Such is life.

Hello, weekend!

1 comment:

liz said...

Patty, I don't like when people are nice. I mean... I find it really off-putting when someone doesn't have a dark side. When they're not willing to admit the genuine and immediate and often ugly thought processes they have. You can still be a good person without being "nice."

"Nice" is like blonde hair extensions and breast implants for the personality.

xo
LC

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