Friday, November 28, 2008


So, I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar.

Not crazy bipolar. (Is that PC?) But I'm some sort of it. Bipolar I? Sure.

Reasons? Well, here are some reasons.

Carrie Fisher. Well, she's bipolar (among other things). She has days where she's low, lonely, hopeless, etc. and other times she is HIGH AS A BIRD (without actually doing drugs, because as well as being BiPo - the new acronym for the disorder we share - she is also an alcoholic/drug addict). A lot of the things she talks about I completely relate with.

Now, I don't have days... well, sometimes. Sometimes I go for days where I'm the scum of the Earth. I never ever feel like I want to kill myself, but I do feel hopeless, stuck, useless, worthless, etc. But other days I feel like I'm on top of the world and I'm awesome and I'm great. Lately it's been just certain points of the day, not lasting longer than hours. But... I AM awesome, and I AM great, which is why I think I'm only about 90/10 right now. 90% happy and 10% depressed. In previous points of my life I've been 50/50, or 60/40, or 70/30... but right now, at 22 years old in November 2008, I'd say I'm 90/10.

I'm talking about this because Carrie Fisher did. She said that she talks about it because it puts it out there in the world so she's not alone with it. She doesn't dwell on it, and she makes jokes about it, because then it's out there with everyone and not just stuck inside her. It's kind of cathartic. But also, now you know. I'm BiPo and I'm going to get a wristband that says it, and it will cost $1 at cash registers throughout New England.

But I also looked up symptoms and it sounds like me.

* Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
* Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
* Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
* Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
* Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
* Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
* Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
* Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
* Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Hm... okay... well... that just sounds like a good drunken night. Maybe I'm not BiPo, maybe I'm just ALWAYS drunk.

I also take a lot of pictures with a pouty face. (Like above...) You should see all the pictures taken of me in Vegas! And I had a great time... you'd never know in pictures.

I hope this isn't too depressing. Really, I'm not saying it for pity, or to make life awkward, or to make everyone afraid of me. I'm just saying it because it's a new realization in my life and it makes me think I'm less crazy. Huh... finding out I might be manic-depressive makes me feel LESS crazy. Something's wrong with that.

But keep in mind I also think I have ADD, although it has never been diagnosed. I've also never mentioned it to a doctor. Maybe I should talk to a doctor more and stop diagnosing myself through WebMD. Although! The "highly distractible" symptom could be what's causing me to think I have ADD... it's not ADD, it's just a symptom of being BiPo! Relief!

Oh well, all the greatest actors, comedians, singers, etc were manic depressed alcoholics*, right?

* I'm not an alcoholic!.... yet.


Anonymous said...

You know who else is BiPo?? Aunt Judy and Cousin Cathy. I am not saying having blood relatives that share a potential disorder is more relevant than a celebrity who shares the disorder to the diagnosis... But it is. Because you don't share genes with Carrie Fisher.

You aren't bipolar.

Patty Barrett said...

Stop trying to take away all my happiness!


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