Let The Sun Shine In

I think it's funny that (most) woman will disregard their health completely, but they will do whatever it takes to make sure they look pretty. I think it's funny, and I'm not judging anyone, because I do it too. Dentist appointments, doctors appointments, etc. all come secondary to hair appointments and often manicures and pedicures. Maybe it's because it's something that will change immediately, and if our doctor tells us we need to do something, or even if I go to the dermatologist and have to start taking medication - nothing happens over night. When I get my hair done, it's like BOOM, bangs! and my nails are like BOOM: colorful and well kept! (The picture above is the picture I took with me when I first got my bangs cut. Jenny Lewis is cute.)

That's why I think Britney Spears shaved her head when she did. Of course she was going crazy... she became famous when she was like 16, and she was America's adorable little sweetheart. She was swimming in controversy all the time, her and Justin Timberlake broke up, she learned how to drink, she had a quickie wedding in Vegas, she met Kevin Federline, she had two kids, she got divorced... and her career was being America's slightly less adorable little disaster. What else was she to do? She was stuck in a life she was terrified of living, and she didn't know what to do, so what's the most dramatic change you can make that takes effect immediately? Changing your appearance. I would not opt for bald, but nonetheless, it's a drastic change when all you need is a change.

But, besides that... it's also funto pamper ourselves and give ourselves "treats" for all of our stress and hard work. Going to the doctor is often terrifying, and makes us feel like a kid again - except as we grow older we're not treated like kids and get smacked with harsh, cold reality. (Like, when my doctor assures me I have arthritis and osteoporosis.. it's going to happen...)

So, I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't get my hair done again until I made necessary health-related appointments. So I did. I made an appointment for a check up, dermatology, my eyeballs, and a dentist appointment. Those things won't be happening for another month or so, because you know, they book up in advance. So, with all that being clear, I made a hair appointment! Luckily it's much easier to get appointments right away, so I'm going today at 1:30 for a haircut!

Hey, the contract negotiations never stated "You must make and complete the appointments before making a hair appointment." I made them, they're all penciled in, now I can treat myself! It's better than treating myself with ice cream. Plus, I have a long night of Improv Asylum ahead of me.

Oh, and ps. Dustin Diamond (better known as Screech) is on Celebrity Fit Club and he is an absolute retard. I hate him.

Patty's Favorite Things Episode

Oprah has a magazine with not only her name on it, but pictures of herself and her ever changing style and body, she also has a hit talk show (have you heard of it?) and she's a woman in charge, and a great orator. I'm not anything like that - well I'm a woman in charge, but she's in charge of like, the world, and I'm in charge of the basement of CVS, small difference really. I can also be a great orator when I memorize my speeches.

Anyways, this isn't about how I'm not like Oprah. This is about how I am like Oprah. See, she has favorite things and so do I! So, I'm going to talk about my favorite things. Because, when it's rainy and gloomy, or cloudy with a chance of meatballs, who wants to hear negative thoughts? I like talking about things that make me happy!

Oh, and before I go into this list, I'm on a mission to clean out my soul. I don't know how I'm going to do it. If you've ever cleaned out your soul - let me know how it went.

So, what are my favorite things? I'll tell you.

I love thinking about the future - like what's going to happen? Where am I going to be? And then I like planning it out. Like, oh, when I live in New York this is how my life will be. When I am a fancy, big-time magazine writer, traveling for stories, and sharing cups of coffees with the best and the brightest (okay, please, we all know I mean celebrities)... then my life will be whole and satisfactory.

I also like my blanket. I stole it from my sister, and it's warm and cozy. She's not getting it back. I've had it for like... 10 years.

The color green is something I like. I do. Green nails, jewelery, clothes, shoes, bags, eyeballs. It's a nice color.

I like air conditioning.

I like getting in the car and going on mini road trips with people. Sometimes we sing so loud in the car that our voices go out, sometimes we get shout outs on the radio when we're driving (it's happened once! We were celebrities going to Six Flags), and sometimes we get rear ended (if I'm driving.)

I like seeing people I haven't seen in a long time, and having the moment be a happy and not awkward one.

And I like getting text messages. And I like sending one, and then getting one back after sending it. I hate when people don't text back... like come on! It takes 15 seconds! And don't use the "I didn't want to be rude" excuse, cause you do it in front of me all the time! Oh wait, sorry, I'm talking about positive things.

I also like sleeping. A lot. Especially ones when I go to bed happy with no worries on my brain, then I have a nice dream, and I wake up 8-10 hours later effortlessly and stress free. (That has never happened. Not once.)

Okay, see, I'm less materialistic than Oprah. But if I had her money... I would buy stuff to. For everyone. Except you, because I've spent too much on you and I'm poor.

Rain (Not The Nightclub)

It's 6:30pm. I just got in from work. It's pouring out. Like, "it's raining cats and dogs" pouring. I got out of work, and I saw it, and I thought "Oh shit." Then I was like, "Never fear, I have an umbrella!" And then my umbrella humiliated me by not giving me the right protection. If rain was an STD, I'd be ridden with them right now. Absolutely ridden. The best part of it all? I was wearing a white shirt. Even better? I was wearing a black bra. Put that together with running mascara and glasses covered in water, and you have yourself a white trash whore that nobody would pay any money to sleep with. Zero money. Sort of like Amy Sedaris from "Strangers with Candy".

The T smelled strongly of wet dog. Mainly because everyone on it was soaked. And there may have been one or two dogs (ugly people). Every girl on the train had her cute outfit ruined, every guy had on wet suits (like suits that were wet, not suits to go diving in) - which for some guys looked kind of hot. OK, one guy. He looked really hot.

When I was in second grade, I was asked, "What's your favorite kind of weather?" and I had to answer it out loud and I said, "Rainy." I think it was because I got to sleep in and not be woken up by sunlight. But still, it seems really morbid, doesn't it? What kind of second grader wants to stay inside and sleep and not be woken up to face the horrible day? I don't even know why I said that, cause I was usually up at the crack of dawn and outside dancing in my back yard within ten minutes of waking. I was a happy child.

Again, in second grade, I read a book called "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs" where meatballs fell from the sky. It was written by Judy Barrett. I told everyone she was my aunt (and to be fair, I did have an aunt named Judy). But I was lying. That particular Judy Barrett was not my aunt. I'm sorry second grade class.

Winnie the Pooh was my favorite character when I was little. And the story of Piglet's home being flooded and putting a message in a bottle and floating around on a chair always sticks out to me. I wanted to rescue Piglet. Or I just wanted to have a flooded home and put a message in a bottle for help. Not sure about that one.

I'm ready for the clouds to go away.

Nick Wilson Puked On My Cute Green Shoes

Trevor's pre-show words regarding Julia and I's existence in the group - "Guys, just so you know, this is your last show with Seriously Bent show where you can feel comfortable with us." So, yeah, it was our last show last night. For real this time. No, really. For real, for real. It's sad, again. But, I think we're all at a good place to let go. Julia's shipping off to Wolfboro, and I'm getting too old to stay up so late and do shows at 11pm.

It was a good one, I think. Hey, any show where Kelly loves and rapes a horse and mail is always delivered with precision is great, right? Nick Mandella hosted and dedicated the show to George Carlin, and Trevor and Nick W cracked up about that. I think it's just because Nick has a bad reputation for hosting shows, I don't know where that started. Oh, right, the Thanksgiving show's "turn your cell phones off, there are 2 exits in this room...". That's why I never hosted a show - these people are MEAN!

Oh, Seriously Bent. They drive me up a wall and at the same time make me feel like a normal person (probably because each of them are all so fucked up in their own ways and together we're normal.) I'm really going to miss them - they got me through the year! If I had them in my life the year before, Year That Shall Not Be Named, then I would have been much better off. So, basically I'm saying get ready for crazy.

Sorry Nick Wilson, if that was too sappy and depressing for you, but it had a little bit to do with you, so get over it.

Last night I went to visit my best friend, Jess, who had surgery last week. She got her tonsils out - because she would always get food stuck in her "tonsil pockets", or whatever they were, that's what I named them. Now they're gone, RIP Tonsil Pockets. It's been a week, and she hasn't eaten anything but soup, freeze pops, and applesauce. One day, she wanted something that she liked so bad that she shaved a pickle (a REALLY sour one), cut it up into pieces and chewed it to death so she could enjoy something she ate. It burned her throat. She's funny. She has another week to go before she can eat, or at least that's the time frame the doctor gave her. When she's ready to eat, Jess, her boyfriend Zach, and I are going on an adventure of Pete's for breakfast (it's in Everett), Weathervane for lunch (it's in Maine), and Cheesecake Factory for dinner (it's in Cambridge.) It's getting her through the whole recovery process - well that and "The Nanny."

I read PostSecret every Sunday. It's sort of a habit - like I just check it every Sunday without realizing I do it. It only gets updated every Sunday, so that's why I do it then. But I love it. I phone interviewed the creator (Frank Warren) last October, and he was really nice. He came up with the idea as an art installation, and he basically just left a bunch of addressed blank postcards in Washington DC with instructions to write & illustrate an anonymous postcard containing a deep secret and mail it to that address. Postcards poured in and voila - PostSecret was born. It's also tied in with suicide prevention - and you see a lot of that in the secrets.

A lot of times I cry over them, because they're really sad. Some people have been raped, beaten and bruised and some have just beaten and bruised themselves. And of course, it's so popular because so many people see themselves in every secret. I've cut myself before, and I've had emotional/psychiatric issues (some might argue I still have those issues, based on the last week and today's rehearsal) and I see secrets all the time about these people who hate themselves so much and cut and hurt themselves, and I just wanna find out who they are and give them a hug.

Then there's the postcards that you wish were meant for you. Or the postcards you swear you wrote in your sleep and sent in. Or the ones that enrage you. Or the ones that are just really simple admittances... like "I always thought the overhead projector was an x-ray machine."

I really like them. I wish I came up with the idea. I've never sent in a secret, but I've always wanted to. I have a lot that I've thought of. I wish that all of my friends would send me anonymous secrets on postcards and I would try to decipher who sent which ones in and it would be like a giant puzzle. That would be fun.

On Pointe In My Joints

I have a pwoblem.

I am CONSTANTLY cracking my joints. I wake up and I crack my knuckles then stretch until every single joint cracks. I sit all day at work, so I always get up and stretch, and I found secret workplace appropriate ways to crack (by that, I mean I'm not sliding out of my chair to stretch my back like I do at home, not mbating.) I should write an article about that... hm...

Anyway - today the area between my knuckles and wrist hurts. Typing hurts (why blog when it hurts?) and m000ving it hurts. I want to go to MOO, the steakhouse on Beacon Street. or XO on Tremont Street. I love Ruth's Chris. So I think I have arthritis already.

For 13 years I was in dancing school. I did all kinds of dancing - tap, ballet, jazz, pointe, lyrical, gymnastics etc. (my favorite was lyrical and tap) One of my neighbors was my dance teacher, and she did tons of solos at the dance studio we went to (Marino Sisters! What what, Kelly!) She was basically a brat who got whatever she wanted because she was a good dancer, gross. What I loved about dancing was towards the end I started to lose interest because I was insecure and the people I danced with intimidated me, so I'd skip a few classes here and there - and the dance teacher would always give me shit (like REALLY give me shit, not in a playful way like most people do today) but I'm a quick learner (and a good dancer, might I add) so she'd always apologize after yelling at me because I picked up steps so easily. Ah, I love talking about myself. But what was I talking about originally? Oh right, neighbor dance teacher. SO - she did pointe (which is like Boston Ballet stuff, with the ballet shoes with blocks in the front to stand on your toes - and she got arthritis in her toes.

So I'm constantly freaked out I'm going to have body arthritis. And with the amount of typing I do - y'know, as a professional blogger - I'm certainly going to get it in my wrist/hands. Or at least carpel tunnel.

Work has gone by fast today, which I enjoy. I drank one of those 5 hour energy things. Could you tell? Also, I have ADD. Arthritis and ADD - aren't I the sexiest 22 year old ever ?? ;)

New York State of Mind

So I got back from New York City yesterday, and was depressed all day. I’m still depressed. I hate being in Boston and not in New York. I really need to move and change and not do the same ol’ shit. Everything here is getting on my nerves, I’m itching to move.

Regardless, my trip was great. I had a prolonged Fung Wah ride there because of accident traffic, but I got there around 6:30 and my sister met me at Canal Street. We went out for dinner at some Scottish bar in Midtown with Steve and his nephew. That sounds so strange, like we were drinking with a 5 year old. And when his nephew said he was hanging out with his uncle, it sounded like Steve was a 45 year old man. After we ate, we went to a bar in the Upper East Side where I decided to drink half the cocktail menu. Seriously, I had about 5 out of 15 drinks, which isn’t half, but 2 more and I would have been golden. I would also have been dead. I was trashed when I got in the cab.

I woke up with a wonderful headache and nausea the next day, but I went to the MOMA, and my sister got us in for free because she works at a fancy law firm with a corporate membership. We engaged in culture. I bought things at the gift shop, like a sponge that smiled, and a bouncy ball with glitter, and a postcard. Hey, it’s culture.

I bought expensive clothes at Banana Republic. Then, it started POURING and thundering and lightning – it was ridiculous! Betsy and I ran to Ruth’s Chris steakhouse for expensive food, but so so so so so so so good! Then we went to see August: Osage County per Jeremy’s request, and well, I don’t even know how to put it into words. It was the best play I’ve ever seen. It was SO good. It was funny, sad, heartbreaking, wonderful, all the right elements at all the right places. I highly recommend you go and see it if you’re in New York.

I got on the 11:30 bus yesterday and had to sit next to someone and was sad all the way home. Then I had rehearsal and I was sad. Then I had dinner with my family, and I was sad. I’m just sad. Stupid Boston! Stupid reality! I can't wait to move and Barrett All in NYC.

Performance Anxiety

The other day when I went to the bar, I told the bartender I had a show to go to (so I only wanted a shot... hmm... ) and he goes, "Oh wow! You nervous?" and I said no - because I wasn't. I used to be so nervous before shows. I remember the day of my grad show 2 years ago (TWO FUCKING YEARS!?), I was like "I need to keep myself busy all day or I'll go crazy insane with nerves." so I went to the Museum of Science to see the human body exhibit - which was creepy and interesting.

Irregardless - after doing so many shows within the past few weeks, between house teams, Slow Clap and Seriously Bent - I've noticed a weird shift in myself. I mean, performing regularly takes away the nerves and the build-up of a show, but I still got nervous for shows all year, like our final Seriously Bent show in April, I was insane. But, I'm not scared anymore because I know I'm not doing it alone - I'm with a group of people I (generally) trust to not fuck me over in a scene (generally).

That being said, last night my house team and I (Rules for a Reason, the previous name) performed at Improv Boston and opened up for Bastards, Inc. and I was really nervous. I don't know why. I think it's because I think they're really good and I respect them as improvisers (those who I have seen) so I knew what kind of show we were a part of and that it was actually a good one, so we had to be good. (Which, I don't think we were all that great... but I'm not going to sit here and reflect on bad performances) but I was thrown off by my nerves. It was strange, and sort of nice, because it made me feel like more of a real person (I've been doubting my real person-ness lately) and proved that I care about this whole improv thing, it's not just a hobby and I'm not cocky, or all whatever about it... I'm still learning everyday and taking any opportunity I can to learn more. (from Ryan Petti, because holy fuck is he funny!)

So I took that good improv attitude to my Seriously Bent show last night where we performed in front of incoming freshman and the orientation leader friends, and I think we had a pretty great show. I was sort of in a bad mood for various reasons, but I took myself out of it and just focused on the show... and this is all really boring, I'm sure, but it was a good show, and I really love improv, and this is MY blog about MY life and improv is part of MY life, so fucking deal with it. GOD.

Now I'm going to New York for the weekend, where I'm going to see a play and go to a museum, a true cultural NYC experience.

Like Sand Through An Hour Glass -

List blog! Unadulterated list blog!

Tuesdays are slow days for me. However I'm excited for the following reasons:

• I'm going on a dinner date tonight with my very special friend Jbrew


• I got a free shot at Green Dragon last night by my favorite bartender in the city of Boston aka Lutz aka mine and Steve's best friend. He loves us! We went there a few weeks ago and hung out with him for like 3 hours cause nobody else was in the bar, we bonded over 90's music and slow jams, and when we went in last night he was excited to see us. Then when I ordered shots he goes "They're on me cause I love you guys! Come back and visit me more!"


• I've got two shows on Thursday, one at Improv Boston and one in the sweaty basement of 150 Tremont - with two of my favorite groups of improvisers.


• I have a half day (get out at 1pm) on Friday and I'm immediately running to South Station afterwards to hop on the Fung Wah and head to NYC to hang out with my sister and not be in Boston! ! !


• Friday is pay day.


• I'm only working one night this week.


• There's air conditioning in my office today!


• I'm going to NYC next weekend, too.


• I bought a new book at Border's. The kind of perfect girly book that I need to read while sitting on the Fung Wah heading to NYC :-)

All right, so I'm leaving this off here - I'm busy watching Miss Rap Supreme.

10 Years

This past Saturday was Improv Asylum’s 10th anniversary party. It was a great time. The anniversary party is something I look forward to every year; it’s one of my favorite parts about the company. It’s always great because we all get together with our separate departments and come up with something to perform for everyone. This year I wrote a parody (with the help of Kelly and Bryan) of “Living on the T” which is a parody of “Living on a Prayer”. I think we were pretty good to everyone – there was a shot at the broken AC, and some maintenance issues more than people. Except maybe Mike, I made a crack at Mike. But I also made fun of myself, Jules and Trevor so … harmless.

Evan, of course, showed everyone up. And I wanted him to make fun of me, but he said “I can’t bring myself to make fun of you.” But it’s okay, cause Brian O’Hara covered up Evan’s slack making fun of me. (But seriously, I don’t hate you Brian. Seriously.) But Kiley made a funny video, and Jeremy wrote a funny parody, and Mike does a great Norm impression. All in all, it was a really great night. Oh, besides the fact that it was about 115 degrees in there.

Speaking of heat, we’re in the middle of a heat wave right now. It’s about 90 degrees outside, and guess what? At my day job. . . the AC’s broken. One of my job requirements must be that the AC has to be faulty and broken wherever I work, because I’ve managed to find the two oldest buildings in Boston with the oldest air conditioning systems. It’s so hot in here; I’m literally melting into a puddle of Patty.

Back to Improv and its 10th anniversary. It’s been 10 years! I’ve been there for 3 years! That’s insane! I’ve been going there for 6 years. I’ve spent every birthday there since I turned 16. That’s sick! The first time I went was actually June 7, 2002 so… funny. And Norm interviewed my friend Savage. And it was the day they filmed The Makeover Story… so I emailed Chet like 12 times asking when it would play and he never got back to me. It’s funny that these people are so prominent in my life now, and before I idolized everyone. Now I could give a shit about them! No, that’s not true, not at all. It’s still really important to me, and I think they’re great.

I got home at 7am yesterday, couldn’t sleep because it was so hot and I had a lot on my mind. So, sleeping for like 9 hours last night (with an extra 40 mins oversleeping!) was reaaaally great. If only it wasn’t 90 degrees in my office right now. Oh, and I secretly love America's Best Dance Crew.

P.s. I love this

Google is great. It's Diego Velasquez's birthday. Let's celebrate by painting portraits.

I Wanna Make Love In This Tub.. In this tub

I like the word "blog".

Last night I had a Seriously Bent show - and I hadn't performed with them in a MONTH. I hadn't even seen most of them in a month! Well, that's not true, whoever was there last night I had been seeing pretty regularly - besides Nick who has been in Italy. But regardless, it was pretty damn great.

It was Kelly, Trevor, Nick, Nick and I and we decided about 10 minutes before the show to do something we've never done anymore. Usually we get a suggestion at the top of the show and then do a series of scenes, but this time we sat down and talked to each other - as if we were having lunch at the Donahue cafe - and made fun of each other, talked about new events in our lives, etc. and then we would randomly get up and do a series of scenes sprouting from whatever we just talked about. Then we'd sit back down and talk, and then do it all again.

For some reason, it worked. Our "group mind" was together, and we all caught on to everything everyone was doing, and it was executed pretty flawlessly. And, on top of that, we did some pretty great scene work - which is always a plus. It was one of my favorite shows we've done together. And I found myself making really strange offers - probably the dirtiest or grotesque out of everybody, like when we were doing a scene about show and tell, and I dubbed Kelly as the "angsty" girl who was going to show us a dead rabbit or her slit wrists for show and tell. Oh, and when I had an affair with my professor, videotaped it and blogged about it. Oh, and when my kids caught my husband (Nick Mandella) and I going down on each other, and then we locked our kids in the house so they would experiment with us and learn about the birds and the bees. Hm... strange. But very good. I missed them SO fucking much.

I know I'm the girl who won't graduate and leave the group - since I'm technically not a student at Suffolk anymore, and therefore am not a member of Seriously Bent - but I don't care. I love them all too much to let them go. I can't imagine them doing scenes without me there playing with them - in fact, I won't allow it. I just decided I'm giving back my diploma and going back to Suffolk full-time... FOREVER!!!!!!!!! Or... at least until Kelly and Trevor graduate and I don't know anyone anymore.

I Hate Rainy Pillows

I wish the song “I Kissed A Girl” wasn’t so damn catchy. I have kissed a girl… and I liked it.

Last night I went out to dinner at Silvertone, which is probably my favorite restaurant in Boston. I’ve never had something there that I didn’t like, and they make their own raspberry vodka and it’s delicious. The vibe and atmosphere is great, dim lighting and pictures of 1920’s lovers sharing a cola. It’s retro-esque and has like 20 items on the menu, but like I said, it’s all good.

Afterwards, we walked around a little bit and then went for more drinks at Charley’s Saloon on Newbury because it had patio seating, we ended up getting an appetizer to share… and then felt bad for the waitress who had just read through all the specials, so we also got a salad. And I had the BEST white sangria I’ve ever had. It tasted like a jolly rancher, it was so good. And then a bottle of wine, which I think I drank the majority of. It was so nice out last night! Earlier it was like humid and weird, but then it was much nicer out. I like patio dining and not being home in my bed. Oh, and I felt European for some reason. Like, sitting on a patio drinking a bottle of wine and eating an appetizer and a dessert on a nice night. All we needed were cigarettes. Sigh.

I ended up getting home around 1am, and ultimately getting 6 hours of sleep – which I can deal with. I don’t feel like death today, so that’s all good. I’ve got to work the entire week… so that means 3 doubles and one long Saturday night. Yet, I’m not that pissed about it. I’m happy for once? Weeee. (Talk to me on Friday when I accidentally kill an usher.)

Surprise Retard

Last night was Julia's last night at Improv Asylum. She will not be managing no mo'. In ways, I'm like, good for her! It's time to move on (for most of us) and after three years? It's a good time. But that's the sane part of me, and the stubborn part of me is screaming, "NO! NO! NO!"

Over the past 3 years of Julia's tenure at the Asylum, she has left for two summers and the come back. She was promoted from usher to box office in about two years. And then in about two and a half years she was promoted to manager by Evan and I, her best friends. She did not receive business cards. A woman once told her that she was going to crack her skull and eat her brain, or something equally disturbing as that. She has slept with an employee. She hasn't done her job when she's on shift, but will often do my job when I'M on shift. She's taken multiple (hundred) cigarette breaks. The club has been her home. Well, for all of us, it's the place we go when we're bored and have nothing else to do, so instead of sitting at home reading or watching TV, we go to the Asylum. She has laughed, cried, danced, slept, fucked, yelled, smoked, drank, washed her laundry, oh and worked at the place. She'll sorely be missed. But I'm in denial about the whole thing and don't feel like I won't see her all the time. Fuck Wolfboro, bitch!

It was a fun time. She was in the Midnight Show and Evan played her favorite songs (Show Me Love, You Can Call Me Al, Crazy Bitch, James Taylor, etc) and he had a slideshow of Julia going all night. It was a great farewell, but also seemed a little creepy, sort of like she had died. We had cake and pizza and drinks and we all signed a card and I gave her gifts, one giant picture collage of her and I and a bag of self-destruction with red bull and cigarettes.

The picture above comes from a series taken by Ryan Petti (of Kiley's husband fame) and we took many "Surprise Retard" pictures, where Jeremy thought it was okay if pictures were taken where he looked retarded, as long as he was surprised.

Oh, and then some Spanish guys stopped in the middle of the street repeatedly telling us to take their picture. We didn't, and then the guys pulled over and pretended to get out of the car. Evan and I walked away in fear. Kiley jumped ahead and stood up for all of us, and then just stood there and watched them like a powerful hawk until they drove away. It was a beautiful moment.

In other words, I should probably leave soon too.