Thank God it's not MY labor day.

So, today I went to the drive-thru Starbucks and I drank a pretty nasty latte. Then Janine wanted to go to Babies'R'Us since her cousin is having a baby soon, she wanted to get gifts. So, Betsy and I accompanied her. I walked in with my coffee... and I was just strolling around the store like I had any business being there. Oh my god, baby clothes are so cute. And my first thought was, "I can't wait to buy these for someone's baby." Not, "I can't wait to buy these for MY baby!"

I mean, that's natural right? I'm 22... I shouldn't be wanting kids right now, right? I just graduated, I just got my first full-time job and I can barely afford my drinking/Target habit - so there's no way a child could fit into my young adult life. I mean, c'mon, I just started reading the Twilight book series... and I spent the entirety of yesterday in a t-shirt that said MUGGLE on it. (It was a lazy day...)

But then we started walking around more. And at one point, Janine held hands with me and I was like, "This is fun... I like pretending we're a lesbian couple..." so I wanted to start saying things like, "I am NOT putting our baby in that thing!" and there was a bib that said, "I love my Mommy!" and I wanted to say really loud, "If only it said, 'Mommies', right?" Then there was a bib that read "I'm cute and messy, just like my daddy." and I snickered... because it was kind of sexual.

That's when I realized I can't have a kid. Then and when my sister and Janine were getting so excited about things and I was like, "Meh... when can we leave here and listen to the Dreamgirls soundtrack in the car?" I hated so much about Babies'R'Us. The child atmosphere. The "Mother's room" that had changing tables and couches... so comfortable couches... why do MOTHERS get to have the couches and not me? I hated the thousands of things you have to buy to prepare, and the way you walk around and feel so much pressure because you haven't got this and that and this yet.

I'm not saying anything bad about kids. I actually like kids. They're cute (when they're not yelling behind me on a plane or something like that.) But, I'm just not as excited about the idea of having a kid right now as people I know. Does that make me a bad person? I hope not. I mean, maybe I'll have a kid someday... maybe. It's likely. But really, I'm selfish. I mean, I love making MANUALS on how to do things (check out my most recent manuals - Improv Asylum Box Office Manual, and Improv Asylum Manager Manual) but when it comes down to it - I hate actually training people on how to do things. I'm going to have to train a child on how to live its life.

Will they like Tina Fey? Will they say 'F' instead of the actual 'F' word like I do? (I say 'fuck' when I'm angry) Will they text while they drive... drunk? Will they watch tons of TV on DVD? WHAT IF THEY DON'T LIKE HARRY POTTER?

Ok, I'm 22 - I've got time. Thank god for BC & condoms, am I right? GROSS, PATTY.

Ahhhhh!! Now!!!

At work, we use Yahoo IM. So we have the option of making these little avatar things. Me and this one girl, Nicole, keep changing ours and saying our internet versions of ourselves are much cooler than our actual selves. Right now she is on vacation, so her avatar is her at a beach. But last week, when I was sitting at my desk watching endless hours of MTV and VH1, and she was posting jobs online - yahoo Patty was in Rome and yahoo Nicole was in Paris. We're jetsetters!

Well this week yahoo-Patty is ALREADY in Vegas... with her Boxer and 2 penguins in a super cool dress.

ONE WEEK and I will be too! With my dog and penguins! And my super cute dresses! But not those shoes. Those shoes are not appropriate. Especially with a slightly sprained ankle.

Today was an exciting day at work. I think I may have made the right decision.

Keith Littles, everybody.

"I miss Julia so much too....and with Evan gone.....me and you gone....it feels like the group broke up for solo projects...like Beyonce and her two friends...She [Jules] and I have been going back and forth on face book....I thinks its all hitting us now....we really had a special block of time down there....these new kids have no idea....and the dinosaurs were too grumpy to get it.....we had that place in such a good way....we should be proud....We came together and made a great team."

It's true. We did have a great time. Keith, Patty, Julia, Evan... we are JUST like Destiny's Child.

Anxious much?

Last night I had an anxiety attack.

At least I think it was an anxiety attack. According to wikipedia, it sounds like one.

I was just about to get in the shower and then all of a sudden I felt really angry. My chest tightened up, I got a knot in my stomach, and I couldn't breathe I was so angry. Then I was like, "OK - I'll just take a shower and relax..." but I still didn't know where it came from. It was out of nowhere. I was just watching "The Girls Next Door" and nothing about that made me angry.

I got in the shower and then it got worse.

I stopped breathing. I got really dizzy. And then my anger increased - like all I wanted to do was punch someone in the face. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I was SO mad. I was trying so hard to catch a breath, I was gripping the walls, and then I had to sit down because I started feeling nauseous. Nauseous and angry.

I finished showering quickly even though my heart was pumping (with fiery rage). I somehow got out of the shower, put a towel on and collapsed on my couch. I didn't want to move. I felt paralyzed, angry, nauseous, and dizzy... there was nothing worth getting off my couch for, ever.

I just shut my eyes and kept breathing deeply (and put Jeremy's text message puzzles together) and then it all sort of went away as quickly as it came. I wasn't mad. I wasn't upset. I just had to blow dry my hair, that was all.

It was kind of terrifying. So I took 3 tylenol PM and passed out so I didn't have to deal with it.

Now I have a sinus infection (I think, that's what wikipedia's telling me) and my head feels like it's floating above my body in a cloud.

So that was my night, how was yours?

My Super Sweet 16

As you all know - because you read this religiously, right?? huh??- you know that at my job, MTV or VH1 plays throughout the entire day. I getting heaping helpings of shows like "I Love Money", "New York goes to LA" and of course, "My Super Sweet 16".

The girls on this show are SO ridiculous. They have photo shoots with snakes on the beach, they practice dance routines at The Point (yes, in Boston), they go to Vegas/Paris/London/Miami for designer dresses, they pay thousands to have singers come to their party (and millions for names like Rihanna), circus performers, Mercades, etc etc. I hate them all.

For my 16th birthday, I went to school. My locker was decorated with streamers, sheets of paper that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTY" and all of my friends signed it. There was also a picture of Donny Osmond on my locker, thanks to Kathy, and I remember one of my favorite teachers saying, "Oh! Donny Osmond! Why the HELL do you like Donny Osmond? That's really creepy... what? Donny Osmond!?" She wouldn't let it go. But it was a joke. She didn't get it. She cried a lot - she was like 23 and hated being a teacher. Luckily, she's not one anymore. Which is a shame, because we really got along.

Anyways, my super sweet 16! So, I got all dressed up in my favorite pair of black pajama pants that I considered my "dressy" pants - and my best black hoodie - and I gathered all the ladies up and we went to Cheers in Boston. Yup, that's right, Cheers. The one in Faneuil Hall. Why did I go to Cheers? Well, I was in a "Cheers" phase of my life. It had just started playing on Nick-at-Night, and I would watch it every night. I have NO clue why. I was sixteen and I was obsessed with Cheers? What was wrong with me?

After Cheers, we went back to my house. And we ended up dressing up in crazy costumes, and making a video that was like a talk show, but everyone performed a song or dance and was then interviewed. God, I wish I could see that tape today. And then everyone slept over.

So - basically - here's what I've learned from my own SUPER SWEET 16.

• Cheers?


• Being friends with teachers isn't cool.


• When you're 16, people don't understand "Donny Osmond jokes", they just think you're weird.


• I always had an improviser in me. (hey-o!)


• I'm glad I'm not a spoiled brat.

Every birthday after that (for the past 6 years) was spent at Improv Asylum. Until I started working there... when, in that case, it was/is STILL spent at IA in some way. Creepy. I've never been cool, huh? Oh well, I'm totally awesome anyway. I wish I had 16th birthday pictures - but I don't. I had blond hair.... and awkwardness.

Hooked on a Feeling

It's a Friday night, and I just got in. I'm in a contemplative blogging mood. I ran into good friends tonight, like Nick Wilson - with his new outfit and kind words. He didn't say any kind words - but when he doesn't say mean, judgy words then he is kind. Wait, he did say some kind words... I'll take it! I'll admit that I hate to love him and love to hate him and that sometimes he's my favorite person ever. He's really got a hold on me. "I don't like you... but I love you...." and I mean that in a friend way.

Sometimes I just feel so damn lucky. I've wanted to do some soul cleansing lately because I've been going through ups and downs - that mainly came about with the changing of my schedule and my newly adult life. And by "adult life" I mean life as an adult, not a porn star. But every now and then, when I don't feel shitty or angry or tired, I think about it and I remember that life is pretty good for me. I'm happy to have what I do. Happy Happy Joy Joy.

I don't know why I'm so exhausted and want to go to bed at midnight on Friday night. But there's so much I want to do right now that I can't go to bed! I did Pilates earlier today and I'm still tired (yet strangely strengthened and energized at the same time.) Who would have thought 40 minutes of barely moving at all would end up hurting and making you sweat so much. But I feel stronger already, and I'm a weak person. Well, I have weak arms. Dancers don't need arms. Or something like that. And yes, grinding on the floor to "Maneater" by Nelly Furtado qualifies me as a "dancer". Have you seen me kick? I get my kicks.

I'm just really looking forward to the next few months. I'm exciting for fall to come... I plan on visiting Pittsburgh again with my family. I plan on going to the Jason Mraz concert. I plan on singing Christmas songs in the car. And oh yeah, did I mention I'm going to Las Vegas in TWO WEEKS????????????????????? Cause I am. And I'm SO fucking excited.

Goodnight. Auf Wiedersehen. Buenas Noche.

Jim.

There's a lot of things I miss about Jim, my second dad, but mainly its his bluntness. He is the strangest man alive... but the funniest guy I'll ever know. He's like my dad... a very creepy one who comments on my boobs and constantly says "YOU LOOK HOT" but then says, "Are you having sex?? YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT"

He's from New York, and he's a hardcore New Yorker - he lives and breathes it. Drives there all the time. Did coke on the Brooklyn Bridge (but gave it up when it all blew away one day...) but he currently lives in Quincy, and he loves his wife. And their new baby! And his job at the Boston Globe.

Funny things about Jim... he's ALWAYS replying ALL to emails. He'll say stuff about someone in a reply ALL... he'll talk shit, say mean things... call people crazy.. etc. and they'll be right there reading it.

He doesn't remember names. Kim, who used to work at IA, was referred to as "Harry Potter" for as long as he knew her. And then about a week before she left, he said, "What's your name?" to her (and she had been there a good year) and she was offended and he goes, "WELL I DON'T KNOW! I ALWAYS CALL YOU HARRY POTTER." And he calls Evan X "Gatsby". Also, we have this little aquarium light with about 4 plastic fish in them. He loves to put it on the bar and light it up. He named the fish "Chet" "Norm" "Stacey" and "Baby Ryan". About a week later he goes, "These are my fish! I named them last week! What did I name them Patty??" YOU NAMED THEM AFTER THE OWNERS OF THE COMPANY AND YOU CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER THEM!

His favorite sayings are "nice boy" and "OH MY GOD" yelled at loud volumes, i.e. "Evan's a nice boy... do you wanna do him? OH MY GOD, you wanna do him, don't you?! YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO DO ANYBODY. Well you should, he's a nice boy."

He's also been known to yell "HOW'S YA CAHK?" and "HOW'S YA MUFF??" at loud volumes during his shift - as well as turning on his walkie and pouring water out so it sounds like he's peeing.

Oh... this is all making me sad... I miss him so much. We've got into screaming fights and snippy comments, and even though it's weird to get a call while you're at the mall and hear.... "WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?? ARE YOU AND STEVE HAVING SEX?? IF YOU ARE, YOU TELL HIM TO WEAR A CONDOM OR PULL OUT!" and then get hung up on... it's all right with me. Because he's Jim G.

the 43 things I LIKE ABOUT YOU

I’ve spent all day on 43things.com. I love making a life list… of things I want to do with my life but probably won’t. And I’ll probably forget my username to this website, so it’s not like I’m going to follow it forever. But putting it all in front of me, and reading off a list of all the things I want to do – is fun and inspiring. But I’ll forget I even did it tomorrow. I have a short attention span. (Proving I actually do have ADD is on my life list of things to do…) So far I have 20 things.

I think it’s funny though, reading through the hopes and dreams of people I don’t know. It’s interesting to see the variations of serious goals and silly little thoughts. Like, “hug the Jonas Brothers” was one person’s thing – and “color a whole coloring” book was another one. But then you get the kind of dreams like “finally kick this cancer in the ass” where it’s like… real. But if you’re trying to compile a list of 43, or 100, things you want to do with your life, for the first 5 you’re like “make money while staying happy!” and “have a kid!” and then you lose steam and it’s like… “Make up a word nobody’s ever said in their life.”

That reminds me of PostSecret, where the range in secrets is so funny. One postcard will say “When I was little I thought the overhead projector was an x-ray machine.” And then, the next one says “I wish I could forgive you for raping me, but I can’t.” The things people send have such variety… they make you cry… and laugh… and sometimes you’re just disgusted or weirded out.

Some of my 43things include:
1. have a conversation in Spanish
2. take a yoga class
3. walk into the Pantheon
4. get a tattoo
5. have something published
6. calm down
7. live in New York City
8. learn how to make good coffee instead of buying S-bucks
9. read the Great Gatsby (I’m on it)
10. turn a book into a screenplay

Things I’ve done that other 43things people WANT to do:
1. took an improv class (and then some!)
2. learned to swim
3. graduated with a high GPA
4. got into a fight (I f’d that b up!)
5. wrote
6. had a scary ghost experience (!!!)
7. taught myself to play a song on the piano
8. became an actor
9. type 100wpm
10. got promoted

Matt Cat

This is Matt.

Matt's special.

One time, when I first met Matt, I was like "He's a total douche bag." And that was without talking to him. I just based these thoughts on the people he was associated with... and probably his hair. Then I was like, "He wears a lot of graphic t-shirts..." and then I ultimately realized he was actually not a douche bag, but the total opposite. He's actually kind of a nerd, and super nice. He's not all hair.

Matt and I decided to start an improv troupe with our friends Dave Boz and Chris Carpenter. We did house teams together and we had a lot of fun together, so we thought we'd start an outside troupe called Slow Clap. Oh, Slow Clap... we did things. We rehearsed at churches, we had funny moments in shows, we even ate Friday's chicken fingers together.

But here's the reason I want to talk about Matt. Not only because I was totally wrong about him, and now he's one of my favorite friends. But also - because he's special. He told me a story yesterday and it went something like this:

Patty! So my gym has locker room style showers and there's one handicapped
shower. So I always used the handicapped shower, but whenever someone catches me going in there, I pretend I'm retarded. I run in and flail my arms and yell
"TAKE A SHOWER" (said in a slower voice...)

The first thing I did was crack up. Then I thought of the time he was holding his water bottle under his armpit, then when he lifted his arm, it was stuck.

Matt's great.

Two Posts? One Hour? How exciting for you!

So I love Tina Fey. Like, as soon as I laid my eyes on Tina Fey 6 or 7 years ago, I was like, "Man, I want to be her!" And then I read about her - and then I was like "Man, I REALLY want to be like her!" I, too, want to move to Chicago and learn improv! I, too, want to work in a YMCA and watch old people work out! I, too, want to be the first female head writer at Saturday Night Live!

So, instead of Chicago I chose staying home and learning improv in Boston (not to say I'll never go to Chicago for improv...) and I chose working at an improv theater, as opposed to a smelly YMCA. And well, I can't be the first female head writer at SNL because she's already done it - among other reasons.

But seriously, I am so in love with her. I've been infatuated with her for a long time. Y'know, before she made it big and it became cool to love her. Not that I'm special or anything... (I totally am!)

So, as I was reading Self today (remember: soul cleansing) I saw Jennifer Lopez as the cover girl most inspiring woman. And I thought, "Oh man, great, J-Lo's great, whatever... she had babies.. songs... butt... BUT i better turn this page and see Tina Fey because she is INSPIRING!" And then I got mad at Self. So, so mad. Then I turned the page and there she was! Smiling at me in her blue top! She was the second person! And I literally squeeled. I'm gay. No, literally. I squeeled over a lady! But I don't love her for her lady parts... I love her for her funny brains!

Anyway, the best part of this was that she was voted "most inspiring" for "Proving that a smart, funny, and yes, sexy, comedienne can beat the boys every time."

The next most inspiring woman? Reese Witherspoon. For what? "For making major strides against poverty and violence."

So, hm, Reese is curing AIDS, saving babies from the hands of baby rapists, and stopping men from beating women... but hey, Tina Fey is empowering feminists by being a smart, funny lady(and stopping TV production to make more money doing so) in a land ruled by funny men.

Sigh... she's my hero. :-)

2-de

I had a really satisfying weekend. Sure, I spent a lot of it on my couch watching the first two seasons of "How I Met Your Mother"... but I also managed to venture out of the house, see friends, eat food, and drink a TON of martinis. But I don't know what I enjoyed more... hanging out with Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robyne, and Swarley or going out. I'd say it's a toss up. But god, do I love Charley's sangria! And drinking with Redcoats. Literally.

But, you know what's great about the recession?

Starbucks has a new deal where if you get an iced coffee in the morning - you can get a $2 iced coffee after 2pm. When you normally pay $4, half-off coffees is great! Their incentive worked, because I took my break at 2pm just so I could get one! I noticed a lot of places are doing buy-one, get-one-half-price deals. I got two pairs of American Eagle jeans, one was half-price.

Man, a bad economy is actually working in my favor. Not only did I get discount stuff through incentive deals - I got discount merchandise through my favorite shoe store going out of business. Sure, that's sad, but there are 100 shoe stores - when they go out of business you get like 60% off, and that's GREAT. Let's all turn this recession into a positive, huh?!?

In other, way less materialistic news, I'm able to walk again. I don't have my cast on today - and I just went for a walk in heels on the cobblestone streets of Boston, and I feel fine! It might be a different story later tonight, but right now I'm good! I'm a normal person again! Not a robot leg.

Did I mention I love How I Met Your Mother? Because seriously, I do. So, so much. It's the first show in a long time where I can watch it and enjoy it instead of thinking "Oh, I could write for this show..." or "I could write better than that!" It's definitely in my top 3 favorite shows of all time (beat out by "30 Rock" and "Arrested Development").

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox

.........

Boring is Fun

Sometimes you just need a night where you get dressed up enough so that you look like a cheap slut to enjoy scallion pancakes and scorpion bowls over a live band singing songs like "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera and Madonna songs.

But sometimes you just need a night where you go home, put your pajamas back on and lay on the couch and watch episodes (upon episodes... upon episodes) of "How I Met Your Mother".

Last night I had both, so that was exciting. Super exciting. My favorite part was the tv show marathon. Because seriously - I love that show. Like, so so much. You should watch it. I bought two seasons of it... well my sister bought one and I bought the other. I also bought a mirror and a book case! I'm making my apartment an apartment again.

All in all, I'm having a good weekend. Because I love TV, sleeping and getting slightly buzzed.

Sad :(

That's Mike. We work together. Or, well, we worked together up until today. He was an intern and he left today because the summer intern program is over. And because he's going to Australia for the fall (spring/summer in Australia).

I'm sad he's leaving, because he was my favorite face to see walk through the door saying "Hey girl hey!" and "Holla holla!"

I'll always have this on my computer to remember him by...

Someone's at the door.

I sorta/kinda love when alumni are back in town because there's always a really fun show to watch. For one night, people actually come and hang out at the Asylum - and people stick around after the show - and it's a good change from packing up and leaving as soon as the show's over. Harry told me there'd be a show... so I was there because I haven't seen Harry in a long time and he gives good hugs.

It was fun, because all of my favorite people (except Kelly and Jules) were there! Even Nick Wilson and Mitch! And even though Nick drank through the whole show (while being 20), he was still given a glass of champagne at midnight to celebrate his 21st birthday. Even though by now he is certainly a whiskey connoseuir - like Mike Anastasia himself. Happy Birthday, Nick! I'm sure today will be spent shit faced... just like every other day. But thanks for comforting me when I was crying in Chicago. And for making me feel INCREDIBLY bad about myself half the time - and incredibly loved the other half.

The show was hilariously funny. Like, breath of fresh air funny. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Yay improv! Yay friends! Sometimes, I just love it.

I have been so sluggish all week. It doesn't matter if I slept 12, 8, or 6 hours... I never feel rested enough. I don't know why. Maybe I'm mentally exhausted. Maybe my brain's wheels are just turning so much that I just can't feel well rested. And no venti iced lattee is going to change that. Sigh.

Evan's leaving for LA this week. That's DUMB.

Man, everything's the worst!

Today I am crabby Patty. I’m aggravated, for no real reason. I’m exhausted – despite the fact I got nearly 7.5 hours of sleep. I burnt my finger this morning, I couldn’t find anything to wear, and my hair didn’t come out the way I wanted… y’know, one of those days. A day where you count down the hours (6 and a ½) until you leave work.

On the way to work today, my mother was talking to me and I covered my head with a scarf and curled up in the front seat of the car, which forced her to say, “I’m still here!” And I responded, “This is just the worst day!” It was 7:50am. I then started complaining about my morning. And then I wanted to punch myself in the head. That’s the good thing about me, when I’m being a dramatic idiot; I realize it and I shut up. At least I’m aware of it when I’m a total bitch.

But I burnt my finger on a curling iron. The other day my mother burnt her arm – leaving her with two large burn marks – because she brushed it against a tray of bacon, fresh-out-of-the-oven, at work. When my sister and I heard the story, we both gave her shit and kept asking if the bacon was okay – and when she’d continue telling us about how it hurt, we’d go “That’s great. But did you DROP the bacon? Did you have to throw it out?” So when I told her about burning my finger, she had no sympathy for me. Waaaah!

Today was the first time I thought, “I would do anything to go back to school in the Fall.” I thought it was weird, since I breezed through school thinking, “I just have to finish!” But I’d do anything to have those days (much like today) where nothing goes right so I just climb back into bed and stay home, feeling pangs of guilt and regret even though it always worked out. Or, skip my morning class, but go to rehearsal, and then skip my next class to get drunk at the Red Hat.

I love money. I love making it, spending it, finding it in old coat pockets, or in gutters on the street. But part of me thinks I jumped into this too soon, and… settled. Yeah, I realize I’m 22, but isn’t that the perfect time to re-evaluate and re-think instead of getting stuck? I feel like I’ve worked for so long, and I’ve been mature and on the right track… and I am still – it’s not like I’m going to quit my job and take up drugs – but I sort of want to be selfish and do something that makes me happy and puts me on the path I want to be on. A fabulous one. Like Liz Lemon up there, I want that to be me someday... buying black apartments... singing into bottles of Pinot Grigio.

Well, we’ll see. I just want to go write about lesbians.

Where everybody knows your name...

I go to the same Starbucks every Monday and Tuesday and I order the same drink with the same baristas.

On Wednesday through Friday, given timing and whether or not I'm limping or hobbling with crutches, I go to the same (but different from Mondays & Tuesdays) Starbucks and I order the same drink with the same baristas.

I'm always polite. I say, "Good morning! I'll have an iced grande nonfat Vanilla Latte." And I even say it the way they like it to be said. I don't say, "I want me a lattee... with pumps of vanilla... iced... um, medium... with skim milk." I am straight to the point. I talk in Starbucks lingo. I also leave a tip. OK I lied. If I pay with cash I do. Sometimes whole dollars. Cause I'm such a nice person.

Yet they don't know me. All I want is to look at them, and they look at me, and they just know. They yell, "GET THIS GIRL HER DAMN DRINK!" and throw cups at the barista making the coffee. And in an ideal world, this barista would be crying. Crying and working. Tears just missing the coffee cups - muttering "I can't do this anymore..." under their breath. But, in all of his (or her) misery, he (or she) makes me the perfect cup of coffee. It doesn't taste like burnt. Or mascara-tinted tears.

That'd be great.

On a side note, I've seen a few people in the service industry who have been crying and upset, and it's noticeable and incredibly awkward. I always feel bad for them. Like, I know their pain. I've been there. In general, I'm a strong "don't fuck with me" person when working or managing, but sometimes you're just in over your head. But seriously, I feel bad, but get me the glass of wine I ordered. I don't care if you cry while you do it, just GET ME IT!

Anyways, how is it that bartenders know me and what I like to drink? They see just as many regulars. Yet, the bartenders who know me are the sweetest people ever... they ice my foot when it's sprained and I'm crying. They let me control the music playing in the bar. They give me free drinks, or sit with me during a break. And sometimes they replace my alcoholic beverages with water when they think I've drank too much. (Embarassing, huh?)

Some day... every Starbucks barista will know who I am and what I want as soon as I enter their store! (Although, it will probably be because I work with them....)

Thunderstorms.

Where was all this rain and thunder when I was trying to sleep in this morning? When I opened my eyes at 8:30 - saw the sunlight, threw the covers over my head, and failed to fall back asleep. I love summer thunderstorms... or, well, I used to. When they were rare. Now it's like, "Do you know what time the thunder's going to start today?" Today was about 4. I first saw it on Rt. 1.

My dog is cute because he's afraid of them. So everytime he hears the rumbling he comes up and presses his body against mine for comfort. He's like 11. Every single day I get sad when I see him... he's feeble. He takes shorter walks. It takes him a while to get up stairs - often he barks and barks until someone comes out to cheer him on. He was undeniably the cutest puppy I ever saw. He's still the cutest dog. I want him to live forever... becuase I don't know how I'll deal without him. And most importantly - what will my phone backgrounds be?

I remember cheerleading practice would always get canceled on nights like this. When it was rainy and thundering. I would always get excited. The other girls made me nervous. I did it until my best friend went camping, I quit when she wasn't there. I preferred dancing school - I was in my own element. Nowadays I have improv rehearsals - and they don't get canceled for anything weather related. You better risk your life for those things. You better run there from the Ruth Chris steakhouse balling your eyes out, bitch.

But anyway, it's the end of the world and it's World War III. We're at war. And Russia invaded Georgia. Y'know, the country that's sort of Eastern Europe and sort of Asia. Paula Dean does not have a restaurant there. Thunderstorms are happening everyday. Global warming is ruining us. We're in a recession. Coach bags are more expensive! And, worst of all, I sprained my ankle. I'm scared. And I have a big decision to make about my life and I'll probably be thrown for a loop tomorrow. Sigh.

In other news, I bought earrings on QVC from Heidi Klum's line and I'm lovin' them. And I cut my own bangs. I am an artist!

Twevowww

I wanted to retract a statement I made last week about Trevor being irresponsible and Bryan being responsible. Bryan still is WAY MORE, but I'd like to say that Trevor is as well. I mean, he's been in the hospital three times for alcohol-related pancreatitis... and has never read a book in his life... but he has a great manager face. And ties... many ties. That's one thing he's got on me as a manager, Norm loves a guy in a tie, and I just... can't compete. But really, I love him. He's one of my favorite people in the world. And my blog is the only way we really hang out anymore. I use this blog as a means to communicate with Trevor.

What else can I say about Trevor? One time he got a hand job that required two hands and loud, disgusting spitting on the hands. It was awkward for him - and for all of us as the story was re-told. And I'm sure for her, if she's reading this. But I don't know who it is. But I love his current girlfriend, so I hope she's not offended... but I doubt she is. And if she wants me to tell a sexual story about her and Trevor, then I'll just go ahead and say that I walked in on the two of them having sex. Doggy style. Listen, I was under the influence... and I said, "Hey guys! We're going in the pool - you wanna go in the pool with us?" As Trevor covered himself with a pillow and Kaitlin dove in the covers. I didn't leave, because that would have made it more awkward, right?? (No.)

I like working with Trevor and we're a great duo. We balance each other out well. When managing, we're a powerhouse. We don't let any fool through those doors. And when writing, we're great. He may not be a great student - but he's a damn fucking funny comedian with a lot of great ideas. And a great trophy girl. And he plays Raven Simone better than Raven Simone.

If only he'd get a decent haircut from somewhere that isn't Blaine.

the Housies

Last night was the end of a very good run of House Teams. It was one of the best runs we've had in a long time (both this one and the last one) and it was refreshing. For a while there, it felt dead. It was a decaying 10pm slot where no audience showed up and nobody was psyched to do it. But somehow, it was revived. People responded well, new blood was brought in, team mates got along - and there ya have it, a successful revival of the House Teams.

Luckily, it was a good show night for EVERY team. Sometimes it's like, eh, boring, low energy, awkward, painful... but - last night was super great for everybody involved. The three team names were Dirty South, Get out, bitch! and the Hi-5 Gang. I'm on Hi-5 gang. I don't know why we're called that. I think it was my suggestion one week, when we were all in a really great mood and I wanted something happy. But, yeah, we all had fun. Everyone was in a good mood. Those are good days - when everybody is in a good mood, everyone is high energy, and we go out and we rock the fucking stage. Woo!

Afterwards we had the first ever Housies: The House Team Awards. Several objects were encased in glitter - like a porcelain rabbit, a tiny iron, a spoon, a globe, a thermos and what Evan called an "elf's lantern" - and they were our awards. The categories were "Best Character" (Evan for 'Patty's sassy assistant' during the Rapunzel episode of Hi-5 Gang), "Most Dedicated" (ME, bitches), "Matt Catanzano's Lifetime Achievement Award for Persona" (The one and only Dave Boz), "Best Scene" (Dirty South), "Most Valuable Player" (Keith Littles, of course!), and I think "Best Line" (babyface Gudernatch).

Regardless, I had so much fun. And it felt really great. And I'm super excited for what's coming up next on the next season of "The House Teams".

Also, I have a new nickname from Harry Gordon:

Harry: That's my nick name for you now.

me: Snatch?

Harry: Snatch Store. You are where I store my snatch. So I can access it any time I need it. Like if I need to put my penis in a snatch. You have one already stored up for me to put it in. HARRY!

So far, I'm feelin' OWT.

I have been a Project Runway fiend since the very beginning – when I saw that fabulous decaying corn husk dress walk down the runway, designed by Mr.(s) Austin Scarlett, I was amazed. Like, what?? A reality show that focused on talent and had really innovative challenges that required hard work and not drinking and doing it? I loved it. (That being said… I also watch reality shows that focus on drinking and doing it… I love the dramz.)

Maybe it’s because I love gay people so much… but the past few seasons have made my life complete. Specifically Seasons 1, 2 and 4. Season 3 I could take or leave. Regardless! This season is totally pissing me off. There’s such a lack of talent – such a lack of innovation (they’re re-doing challenges from previous seasons…which I love, but come on.) I like a few of the designers, and I LOVE that Wesley (who left last week) was f’ing Daniel. (Told you – love the dramz.) Like Tim Gunn would say, “Do NOT bore Nina!” well Nina’s bored, I can see it in her beady eyes. And Patty’s bored, too. But Tim Gunn doesn’t know me. If he did, he’d say it. And he’d also say, “You’re a hot mess. It’s bothersome.” But that’s what Jeremy’s for.

So, if you’re just tuning into Project Runway on its final Bravo season – well then, I’m sorry. Borrow my DVD’s. It just upsets me… because I love it so much. And it started so much good in the world – it brought so much reality TV to Bravo… good reality TV! Top Chef is so good! Shear Genius is fun! But now it’s leaving Bravo because Bravo’s gay (literally) and Project Runway’s gay & well, them some catty bitches.

In other news… my purple and blue foot is seriously a hot tranny mess. I was going to post a picture and then I thought you’d all be disgusted. You know, you “all”. All 130 something of you, because yeah, I put a counter on this blog because numbers are important to me. It’s a numbers game. And about 60 of those “hits” are from me, I’m sure. Even though I blocked my own IP from being counted… I go on everyone’s computer at work and sign onto my blog. Numbers!

Look at those faces.

Reasons Why Improv Asylum Staff Should Not Go To Six Flags:

Upon entering the park, a girl saw me on crutches and said to her friend, angrily, “Why would you even bother coming??” And I was infuriated. I wasn’t even in front of her and walking slow – I was just off in the distance. So I was going up the ramp and I yelled, “IS THIS AFFECTING YOU IN ANYWAY?? I DON’T THINK SO, SO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU FUCKING DOUCHE.” Good one, me.

While standing in line for the Superman ride I noticed the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Well, maybe not the ugliest – but he was definitely up there. And I pointed him out to Jenny, and we started dying laughing. Then I told everyone, and we all waited until the line whipped around so he could be seen again, and Liza said, “Whoa…” and Jenny collapsed laughing. Kelly said, “That’s an unfortunate looking man.” And Bryan pointed out that we were going to die on the ride, because karma’s a bitch. (Note: We didn’t.)

Jonas kept farting every other second.

I made a Six Flags staff member feel like shit for doing a shitty job.

We get hot and cranky and would prefer riding the Twisty (a local restaurant with hot dogs) than waiting in line for more rides.

***

I had my last night at Improv Asylum on Saturday. It was sort of bull-shit. I was managing and I couldn’t even move around to do anything, so I just sat around all night while the entire place crumbled around me and I couldn’t help out. Not that there was much I could do, but it sucked not being proactive and moving around. And I’m not going anywhere – I’ll still be around. So, it wasn’t that sentimental. I mean it was sad, because I really do love everyone. They’re my family. Well, most of them are, and I love those ones. But I felt like an outcast on my own last night, as the new generation played their hooligan games and took over. (No offense to Trevor and Bryan! At least Bryan’s responsible!)

I guess I just don’t feel like it’s over. I feel like I’m Nina Garcia - Editor-at-Large at Elle Magazine, I’m the Manager-at-Large at Improv Asylum. Oh well!