Awesome Soup

The other day I got a text message from Mike Anastasia that said, "I think you paint a bleak picture of me in your blog." due to the fact that I say things like, "I tell new hires not to look Mike in the eye" because well, he's the talent, and you just don't do that, right?

I want to paint a better picture of Mike.

I used to keep a quote board. I wish I still did, but Myspace stopped letting me update it, so I had to stop. And I couldn't find a place to put it that was private enough so that no outside hooligans could read all of our stupid secrets.

But, here are some quality Michael pieces:

Here's Geek Mike. . .

Mike: I could do a lot with that money Patty. I could buy two whores and pay for them to fight each other.
Me: Who buys two whores to see them fight??
Mike: ... in superhero costumes!

Mike There's always some no-talent ass clown asking me how many times did I have to take the Super Hero quiz before I ended up as the Green Lantern, and I'm like, 'first time, ass clown'.

Mike: Patty, why are your eyes and face burning?
Me: I don't know.
Mike: Maybe new make-up, new shampoo?
Me: Nope.
Mike: Batman dip you in toxic chemicals?
Me: Yes. That's it.

Here's Caring Mike. . .

Mike: Babe, what's up?
Me: What do you mean?
Mike: Jeremy and I are staging an intervention!
Jeremy: We even wore our sports coats for the occasion.
Mike: And we're switching.
*they switch Sports coats*
Mike: Now what's the matter?

Mike: Patty... are you drunk? Have a few drinks?
Me: No! Why does everyone always think I'm drunk?
Mike: Because Patty, I'm always angry and you're always drunk!

Mike: What are you guys doing??
Me: Nothing...
Mike: Why are we googling mole people??
Jeremy: Cause Patty's never seen a mole person before...
Mike: Cause we're making fun of people?
Me: Yes...

Here's Improv Director Mike. . .

Mike: *regarding a scene I had done* Project when you're on your knees.

Here's Drunk Mike (also known as Regular Mike). . .

Michael: I realized that I love drinking, and this is the 5th consecutive day that I've been drinking and I love it.

Mike: If he (a magician) gets this next trick, I'm going to punch Patty in the face!

Here's Senile Mike. . .

Mike: I'm just so normal and sane and everyone else is fucking nuts.
Me: That's right. As long as you believe that, Mike.

Mike: I'm the least creepy person you know.
Me: Eh, I don't know about that.
Mike: I'm not creepy, Patty! I just like smoochin' randoms, that doesn't make me creepy.

Here's Athletic Mike. . .

Mike: I went to the gym, Patty. Pushed the weights around.

And here, finally, is Classic Mike. . .

Mike: Alright, Patty. I'm gonna go be awesome. See ya later.



He's my favorite!

BiPo

So, I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar.

Not crazy bipolar. (Is that PC?) But I'm some sort of it. Bipolar I? Sure.

Reasons? Well, here are some reasons.

Carrie Fisher. Well, she's bipolar (among other things). She has days where she's low, lonely, hopeless, etc. and other times she is HIGH AS A BIRD (without actually doing drugs, because as well as being BiPo - the new acronym for the disorder we share - she is also an alcoholic/drug addict). A lot of the things she talks about I completely relate with.

Now, I don't have days... well, sometimes. Sometimes I go for days where I'm the scum of the Earth. I never ever feel like I want to kill myself, but I do feel hopeless, stuck, useless, worthless, etc. But other days I feel like I'm on top of the world and I'm awesome and I'm great. Lately it's been just certain points of the day, not lasting longer than hours. But... I AM awesome, and I AM great, which is why I think I'm only about 90/10 right now. 90% happy and 10% depressed. In previous points of my life I've been 50/50, or 60/40, or 70/30... but right now, at 22 years old in November 2008, I'd say I'm 90/10.

I'm talking about this because Carrie Fisher did. She said that she talks about it because it puts it out there in the world so she's not alone with it. She doesn't dwell on it, and she makes jokes about it, because then it's out there with everyone and not just stuck inside her. It's kind of cathartic. But also, now you know. I'm BiPo and I'm going to get a wristband that says it, and it will cost $1 at cash registers throughout New England.

But I also looked up symptoms and it sounds like me.

* Feeling unusually “high” and optimistic OR extremely irritable
* Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
* Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
* Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
* Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
* Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
* Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
* Acting recklessly without thinking about the consequences
* Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Hm... okay... well... that just sounds like a good drunken night. Maybe I'm not BiPo, maybe I'm just ALWAYS drunk.

I also take a lot of pictures with a pouty face. (Like above...) You should see all the pictures taken of me in Vegas! And I had a great time... you'd never know in pictures.

I hope this isn't too depressing. Really, I'm not saying it for pity, or to make life awkward, or to make everyone afraid of me. I'm just saying it because it's a new realization in my life and it makes me think I'm less crazy. Huh... finding out I might be manic-depressive makes me feel LESS crazy. Something's wrong with that.

But keep in mind I also think I have ADD, although it has never been diagnosed. I've also never mentioned it to a doctor. Maybe I should talk to a doctor more and stop diagnosing myself through WebMD. Although! The "highly distractible" symptom could be what's causing me to think I have ADD... it's not ADD, it's just a symptom of being BiPo! Relief!

Oh well, all the greatest actors, comedians, singers, etc were manic depressed alcoholics*, right?



* I'm not an alcoholic!.... yet.

Crazy Face Royer

Tonight Alison Royer called me and we talked about things like the fact that she didn't realize Jacob Black was Indian (or, "Native American") even though the book (all FOUR of them) said he lived on a reservation and was part of a tribe. She's not very smart sometimes.

But then we went through a photo album on Facebook together and she kept complaining about it, and saying funny things to the point where I started cracking up. She said... "Patty! It's not funny! I have yellow teeth! I have a Ted Koppel comb over! and I'm at maximum capacity!" I couldn't help but laugh. Her teeth are not yellow, she does not have a comb over and she is not fat, not remotely. She's insane! She would say, "Look at this picture... I definitely have a camel toe!" or "Why are you laughing? Stop laughing at my comb over! Hold on, I have to put my Crest white strips on now as we speak." and then she did. (and just posted a status on Facebook saying "Alison wonders how long you have to wait to smoke after using Crest white strips."

Alison is great because she has her own language and way of doing things that is completely acceptable, yet totally strange. Like texting me "talkies" when she wants me to call her... or saying the word "literally" after everything (ex. Trevor, I'm literally confused as to why you were texting everyone here but me.) Or walking into a building and having the first thing she says be "Listen, I don't understand why you don't just tell me I look fat." or something crazy like that.

What kind of picture am I painting of Alison? I hope it's not a bad one because I was thinking lately of the type of people that everyone needs to have in their life, and among the Jeremy's, the Mike's, the Evan's... Alison Royer is definitely up there. She's confident and hilarious and has the most amazing stories to tell. She's lived a life and a half.

Think My Thoughts

One thing I love about my job is that they're good to us with holidays. We get half days before holiday weekends, and we get Friday after Thanksgiving off, and we get out at 1 on Fridays in the summer. So, that's exciting. And today I used the (gorgeous) day wonderfully.

I decided to start Christmas shopping. And I left work and I got on the T - and I realized I had no idea what I was going to get people. I asked my sister yesterday what she wanted (after sending her a list of 10 or so things I wanted - talk about selfish!) and she said

Betsy: I would love anything you got me
EVen if you made it
Esp if you made it
Because you are my sister and i love you
unconditionally
not for material goods


That's gross.

So, I ventured to the mall with Christmas music playing on my iPod and I just didn't know what to get people. So I got myself some eyeshadow, a kit-kat with a snowman on it who looks afraid I am going to eat him, and a coffee and walked away from the mall. I thought "how long does it take to walk to the T?" and I learned that it takes the entire length of the song "Bombs Over Baghdad" to walk from the CambridgeSide Galleria to the Community College T stop.

Then I started thinking about Thanksgiving. The other day Evan and I were talking and he said, "What are you thankful for?" and our conversation went like this:

Evan: I'm thankful for sharks! and Jet packs! and bricks of coke!
me: and lord voldemort
i am thankful for ... tylenol
Evan: Herion balls and acid tablaturew
turkey prostitutes
me: kittens and puppies
Evan: and awesomeness!
4:02 PM me: the sweet smell of honey dew
Evan: Mountain DEW!

A couple of years ago there was a snowstorm close to Thanksgiving. Betsy and I had to walk down to Hollywood Video over snow banks and through ice slides and now.. it's like 50 degrees out and it has barely snowed yet in Boston.

So now I'm thinking about the end of the world...

This Is My Childhood

When I was a wee Patty, I didn't think it was Christmas season until I watched Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol. I absolutely loved it. And I still do!

I only have it on VHS, but I still watch it when I remember. I used to think it was the longest movie, but it's like a half hour long - which is perfect for me. Mr. Magoo plays Scrooge in a play and the graphics are insane and terrible, and it's kind of hilarious. But, I love it. This reminds me of my childhood more than most things.

But, this song is so sad! "Where is a voice to answer mine back? Where are two shoes that click to my clack.. I'm all alone in the world..." poor little baby Scrooge.

I'm 22 years old, and I'm still anticipating the Christmas season like a little girl despite the fact we're in one of the toughest economical times ever... I don't pay attention. That's the fun of it!

Would You Look At This

When I got back from Vegas, I spent days, maybe even weeks, just thinking about Vegas and going back and just wanting to be on vacation again. Days went by slow... and I hated everything about the world I was living in.

I didn't have time to get sentimental about Chicago because the second I got back, I was thrown full force back into life. The past week has been a giant blur. I honestly can't even tell you what happened on which day, but I do know that Chicago feels like a million years ago and when I would think of it randomly I'd say, "Oh my god, that was last weekend! Life was so simple then!"

My office moved last week. We left our Canal Street space and moved across the street to North Washington street. Monday through Wednesday was spent packing. Tuesday evening was spent drinking... large amounts of alcohol... with co-workers... which made Wednesday probably the most anxious day of my life. Waking up hungover and then having to go to work and pack an entire office (spread across 2 floors) by 2pm is not fun.

And then I smashed my finger between recycling bins. And then I went to the dentist and they told me they may have to re-do my root canal - which is great considering the first one took FOUR HOURS. And I thought the "Twilight" movie was awful. And I worked two managing shifts at IA, which was actually not all that bad, but exhausting when going on 18 hour days.

Basically, I'm surprised I'm still standing. I think it shows a lot for my sanity and how far it has come. In the past, I would have been crying every night and all through the day dreading everything... but this time I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Listen girl, you can complain all you want but it STILL has to get done. So deal with it and do it and be happy when it's over." Except I didn't actually do that, but I did think it.

I have no reason to be upset with life. Plus, the new office is amazing! And my arms are stronger from all that heavy lifting and moving around.

Thanksgiving is next week... and it's great. I get to sit home for a day or two and not do a THING.

Pinatas

Las Pinatas. Chicago. 11pm.

We went to a restaurant with bright blue walls and pinatas covering the ceiling... maybe ties in with the name? I don't know. We were served the spiciest chips and salsa I've ever had and we washed them down with margaritas. Alison said things like, "I'm ti-ti" and "Say words to me", Jeremy mocked her but looked at her adoringly, Nick Wilson said really nice things to me - which generally happens when he's drunk, Evan put straws on his teeth and pretended he was a vampire, Kelly and I had one of our usual heart to hearts, and Julia... was too pretty to speak.

But we played a game. A game called "Who Knows Patty The Best"

I think Jules won.

Jeremy was a close second.

Evan kept not buzzing in because Alison kept pouncing on him like a creepy cougar.

But I couldn't think of ANY questions to ask. I said "What's my natural hair color?" and "What's my dog's name?" and "Who's my best friend from home?" but I really couldn't think of any, "You'll know you're my best friend if you know this..." because you know what? I kind of tell everyone everything! Everyone knows me best because I let them.

I need to start being a more mysterious woman. A woman of the night.

Montage.

I could write for days about Chicago and how much I loved every second of it. I don't think I've ever had a giant grin on my face for as long as I did for periods of time while in Chicago.

But I'll tell you this... it is awesome going on a trip with about 10 of your best and closest friends who make you laugh so hard your face hurts and you almost throw up 24 hours a day.

It is sad when one of your best friends moves away (albeit for a few months) to the West Coast and then says, "Sorry, Patty. I can't go to Chicago." But it's worth it (and AWESOME) when that friend tricks you and shows up to Chicago anyway and you're sitting in a hotel lobby and see him come out of the elevator and then you throw your phone at a glass table and make a scene in the lobby, nearly crying and smiling and screaming with joy.

It's awesome not being in Boston for a few days... not having to work... not having to deal with Boston-bullshit... not checking email/facebook/etc.

It's awesome to feel proud of your former improv troupe for bringing it HARD to the stage.

It's awesome to see tons of improv that you never normally see... and see pictures of Tina Fey in lobbies.

It's awesome taking a workshop with one of the best improvisers in the world.

It's awesome having your own improvy/interpretive dance party with your friend at a giant bar and having people be so amused by you that they have their friends take pictures of themselves with you.

Oh, look, I found things to say!

But, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. Hey, I love Chicago.

"Oh, it won't happen to me!"

Lay offs.

I feel like I can talk about this now.

But yesterday I was a complete wreck.

I didn't lost my job. But, in some ways, it feels so different.

What sucks is walking by one of your closest friends at work and not seeing her sitting there. Or hearing her coughing and hacking (she had about a 3 month sinus infection...) in the background of MTV reality shows. Or her walking into your office to say "Patty Barrett! I'm going to throw my computer out the window."

Or hearing heels walking in your direction and knowing that you should probably not blog at work because your boss is walking towards me. Nope. Don't have one of those anymore.

What also sucks is not hearing Erica walk through the door saying "Hey Pat!" and smirking cause I hate the nickname Pat.

And Kyle. Really? Kyle? Who's going to toss 30 Rock quotes at me? Who's going to have funny away messages? Who's going to say rude and inappropriate things? Who's going to eat lunch at my desk with me every week?!? Who am I going to drag to Starbucks just so they can judge everyone there and roll their eyes?

Why'd you have to go and take all the people I loved the most?

I hate you economy.

I'm SO ready to go to Chicago and make all the wrong choices and leave this stupid week behind me.

Drawing by Kyle DeMers. He's great.

Facebook Notifications

I will never tire of reading these on my Facebook notifications, considering I have no idea what they mean and I only joined the game so Jeremy can play:

Jeremy Brothers took a Tribal Butterfly from your Stash and left you an Earth Scroll.

Holy F!

Today I woke up at 6am. Did I mean to wake up at 6am? F no! I have been known as of late - since the summer ended - to roll out of bed between 7:15 and 7:30 when I have to be on the bus by at least 7:55. I leave myself with BARELY enough time to brush my teeth, shower quickly, throw on make up and clothes, and run out of the house.

But for some strange reason, at 6am I was wide awake. I tried to fall back asleep for another hour and fifteen minutes... but then I was like, "What if I got up? What would happen?"

A long shower is what happened. One of those good showers where you can blast your awesome music (today was N.E.R.D "She Wants To Move" and Lily Allen "Alfie" - that's right, enough shower time for TWO songs!) I even got to leave conditioner in my hair for the correct amount of time, which is three minutes. I'm such a girl.

Then I brushed my teeth blasting more music, and I washed my face (with all 3 steps of face washing), and I took my time to do my hair. And my face, it looks like I took my time with my makeup! I had time to think about what I'm wearing, and I look trendy and presentable. And... I WATCHED ALL OF 30 ROCK SEASON 3. Which, well, consists of two episodes. But that's MORE EPISODES THAN I HAVE EVER WATCHED BEFORE GOING TO WORK.

Today's a big day.

It will never, ever happen again.

Oh, so yeah, this post wasn't meant to be about my morning routine when I get up an hour and a half early... it was supposed to be about NaNoWriMo. I was going to write a book this month, remember? It's November 7th - I should be about... 10,000 words in?

I'm no words in. I tried writing two seperate novels and got about 2,000 or 3,000 words in and gave up. There was absolutely no connection with my characters. In fact, I hated one of them so much that I actually began to think she was real and having to write about her was like having to see her in person - I wanted to kill her so bad. Which I actually could do... but she was the main character.. and I was 2,100 words in... that'd be bad.

So, I'm writing a play, or a show, or whatever it is. It's for Suffolk University... and the characters are based on my friends, or at least three of them. It was the idea of Jenny which I am executing. And I absolutely love it. I spend my days writing it, and then I think about it when I'm not writing it, and I constantly write little notes to what I could write about next, and more situations, and one character is based on Trevor and it's my favorite thing in the world to write about him - besides actually spending time with Trev. Aww, how nice did that sound?

But so I thought - the whole idea of NaNoWriMo is to do something you've always wanted to do but never took the time to do. To actually achieve your "dream" and not just say, "One day I'll write a book." So, I took that idea and decided, well, when will I ever get around to writing a show? I always say I want to, but I never actually attempt to do it. So now I'm 23 pages in... and I'm shooting for 60-70 so I'm at least 1/3 through and I'm only into the first week of November. So, for my own little month of writing, I'm totes on track.

And lately, I'm totes ecstatic about my life.

Have a happy Friday erry'body!

Thanks, Mike.

I think change is more than great.

And, as a side note, I love friends and family and gay people.

Where Would I Be?

When I first went to Suffolk, I liked it. I was like, "OK, I like this campus. I like the friends I have made. I like the dorms. etc." Then I was like, "Hmm... maybe I should transfer..." so I looked into going to Emerson.

Obviously I didn't.

I applied to like, 3 schools, because I lacked enough self confidence to think I'd get in anywhere all that great, including Emerson which was like my school of choice ever since I went to a play there when I was little and found out it was a performing arts school.

But no, I chose Suffolk, Emerson's trashy neighbor.

The other day I thought, "Oh my god, what would I have done if I didn't go to Suffolk???? Would I have worked at Improv Asylum??? Would I have done improv at all??? How different would my life be?!??! I wouldn't know Julia!!! Would I be an alcoholic, or smoked a cigarette, or ever got high?!?"

Last night I watched the SB show with Jeremy - and I saw Nick, Mitch and Trevor on stage and I thought, "I'm so glad I went to Suffolk." and then I said it out loud. I don't know what I'd do if those three ridiculous idiots weren't in my life. And in that wonderful moment of, "Ah, I love these guys! I'm so glad the way my life has turned out!" they walked off stage and immediately made fun of me. Nick even grabbed my root beer bottle and deep-throated it.

But it's OK - because that is my life. And I kinda love it.

The Tumultuous Times of Wilson and Barrett

As much as I post about Evan, or Trevor, or Jeremy... I feel like I give Nick Wilson the shit end of the stick.

The thing about Nick is he drives me absolutely (ASSbolutely) insane. That's only because he eerily knows everything I'm really thinking and contradicts everything I say and is generally correct. Damnit! And, as much as I hate him so much for being an arrogant little prick - I love him. Damnit! And anytime I'm mean to him - he reminds me of this one time... when I may have cried... or attempted something in front of everyone... and he made me feel better... stupid Nick Wilson.

But it's OK because I've alwaaays got...

Nick: You're my relief.
Me: Bas relief!
Nick: What?
Me: Oh my god, you don't know what that means?
Nick: Oh my god...
Me: OH MY GOD! I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!

Based on a conversation from today, here's an insight into our relationship:

Me: Oh my god, I hate you so much!
Nick: No you don't. You love me. And you love our relationship.
Me: Damn it! I do.
Nick: And you can't wait to see me.
Me: Damn it! You're right.
Nick: And you're going to be with both me and Evan in Chicago, and it's going to be a blood bath. You're going to have the cackling of Wilson, Brothers and Kaufman with you.

Nick: You actually just made me giggle a little bit right there.
Me: OMG, My life dream!! I can quit improv now.
Nick: You're such a cunt.

Nick: I would fuck Evan's face. If he had a moustache, and turned his head sideways, so it kind of looked like a pussy. Under those circumstances, I would fuck his face.

You look handsome in that picture, Nick.

Barrett All wishes you a Swingin' Christmas

And so here it is. The first post of November.

I (for some strange reason) vividly remember November 1st being so exciting for me. Because I love Christmas season. I spend all of November and December in a blissful Christmas bubble. I've been known to put up my Christmas tree far before Thanksgiving... and often leaving it up until February or March. (Although that is out of pure laziness and hatred-of-letting-things-go on my family's behalf.)

I've been listening to Christmas music a bit over the past few weeks. I downloaded Ella Fitzgerald's "Ella Wishes You A Swingin' Christmas" on iTunes. I watched "Elf" while I was falling asleep the other night. And I started making a list of presents I plan on buying for people.

Five years ago, when I worked at Build-A-Bear Workshop (right before I got fired, like, days before) I worked on Halloween. We had to dress up. I forget what I was. Oh, right, Peppermint Patty. Get it?? Cause that's my name! HA! Anyways - the ENTIRE store (and mall) was decorated for Christmas already. I found it funny that kids were coming in trick-or-treating to a land where bears were dressed up as Mr. and Mrs. Clause.

And then I got fired for having an attitude with a kid. Well, more or less. Thank god I don't have an attitude at work anymore! Right! I learned my lesson! Right Mike Anastasia? No attitude from Patty, ever! No Pattitude. What?

So, yeah, I used to hate Halloween. Wanted it to be over so Christmas season could just come. But this year I decided to give into it. Dress up (kinda) and go out and have fun with my friends. And so I did. And fun was had. But now, onto the next season!

I hope Chicago is decorated for me! I'm excited to buy you all a gift. So from all of us here at Barrett All (and there's only one of us...) we wish you a Merry Christmas season!