Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'm being HELPED! HELPPPP


Ladies…

So everyone has their resolutions this month right? 2009’s going to be THE BOMB, right?

I’ve resolved to A. stop apologizing (I do this a lot… for stupid things. It’s the Irish guilt.) And also B. to come up with a new resolution for every month. January is going to be dedicated to doing things I want to do. Like, hey, I want to go to Vegas… so fuck it, I’m going to go. (Well – depending on stupid Steve and his stupid work schedule.)

I’m going to buy Starbucks everyday if I want it because I WANT IT and I do…

I’m going to get a Blackberry this weekend because I’m tired of my stupid phone and being behind on the times! I want to be able to Blackberry message and have chat rooms going all day with Julia, Trevor, Kelly, Bryan and Alison!! Oh, the accessibility!!

I’m going to stay out late on a WORK NIGHT if I want to… I will drink and be merry if I feel like it… and sometimes I will just hang and not drink, even though I’m at a bar. Sometimes it’s more fun to hang out with your friends and make up new and exciting bits! Bits! Bits are so fun. It’s not good to mix bits with alcohol anyway – bits are dangerous. Don’t drink and bit.

I will form a gang called “The Leather Gang” if I want because if you’re going to have a gang that dresses in all leather – what else would you name it? It’s straight to the point – we are The Leather Gang and we wear leather jackets and we snap leather belts – deal with it, fuckers. (Not to be confused with The Pleather Gang which, sorry Jeremy, it’s just not going to blow up like our gang has…)

I want to take sleeping pills on Fri and Sat night so I can sleep late on weekends. I want to improvise a lot with my friends. I want to improvise with some of my not friends but just people I want to improvise with.

I want to make sexual jokes ALL THE TIME! And especially behind this one guy's - let's call him The Falconator - back and talk about doing him in his truck. But I want to continuously lose my shit and utter complete nonsense when he actually talks to me or compliments me. Yup, I want to KEEP being retarded.

I want to watch “What Not To Wear” and be jealous that I can’t be on the show. I know I’m not eligible – because clearly I am the most FABULOUSLY STYLISH person you know, am I right Ladies?? – but I want a $5,000 shopping spree and a makeover. So I want to watch that show, then put on more makeup than I would normally wear, take pictures of myself, then go shopping imagining Clinton and Stacey were with me. Oh, those two crazy kids.

I just want to beeee. Buzz buzz buzzzzzz

This is all stemming from a recent realization that I’m not the worst person in the world. Sometimes I’m down on myself and I think I’m crazy and I think I’ve got my shit all over the place and someone recently said to me, “You’ve got your shit together more than you think…” and I thought about it and I was like, “Do I?” and then I saw something that changed my life: Cougar Youths. And they were flirting and throwing themselves on men and begging for attention and love and alcohol and I was like, “Really?” Cougar Youths just have no sense of self worth… it’s all based on what men think of them. And well, that sucks, because the men they put their cougar claws into were not having it with their eye rolling and their snickering. Sad to watch… great realization of self, though.

January’s almost half over – but so much exciting stuff has already happened. And more excitement is coming my way. Our way. We’re all in this together.

xoxo,
Barrett All

3 comments:

Splinter said...

finger touch.

Patty Barrett said...

wink!

SJB said...

I totally ran into Clinton as I crossed the street in front of MSG - seriously we all could be friends if you lived here. But alas, you do not.

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