Thursday, March 19, 2009

Don't pout.

See, non-pouty Patty is better!

Lately, I’ve been having anxiety attacks like crazytime. It’s not always the kind when you’re in the shower and everything spins and you fall over and black out and your heart races (oh, is that just me?) Sometimes it’s just… hopelessness. Overwhelming hopelessness and there’s no rhyme or reason – and most of the time it’s based on over thinking and in hindsight, I never understand why I gave a shit.

Yesterday, I jokingly said, “Listen, I have a tough life!” and Nick responded, “Yeah, but I’m pretty sure you make it worse for yourself.” And even though we were kidding (slash being passive aggressive with each other), it was so true. I do make my life more difficult than it is!

When stepping out of my head and really looking at my life from a bird’s eye view - I see things people should be jealous of. (I walk on a line between a total egomaniac and a total depressed mess) I have enough close friends (like really close friends) that I could fill a banquet hall with (so I can have a party!) I’m creative. I’m an improviser. I’m proactive, a hard worker, smart, funny, remotely attractive… all the ingredients for a good life to live! And it is a very good life. I’m thankful everyday for the relationships I have… the things I’ve accomplished… my BlackBerry. Y’know.

But I treat myself the worst.

I feel like Nick Wilson and I have this relationship where we… fight, maybe, kinda? Or we can’t understand each other. Or We both have depressive tendencies and brood a lot. He’s harsh with me… and he said a lot of things this week that made me (over)think my life (in a good way). Once he said, “… because you have no dignity!” and then I realized, holy shit, I don’t sometimes. I think I’m trying to turn myself into this open, outward person… like some of my friends… and that doesn’t suit me. I’m a nice girl. (Stop laughing, people…)

So, f it. F it all. I’m going to take some medication and get over it and have fun instead of thinking about my life… I’m also going to watch “Parental Control” on MTV and love the fact that my life is 10x better than anyone on that show.

Oh, I miss New York.


Nick said... !!!

Unknown said...

I know just how you feel...the panic attacks...the over thinking...minus the whole steady paycheck thing.


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