Monday, April 20, 2009

Selfish & Selfless

I live in a weird world someone sandwiched between being the most selfish person I’ve ever met, and the least selfish. I constantly aim to please other people before me (never wanting to put anyone out, or putting others comfort before my own) yet at the same time, it’s all about me.

This morning, my mother suggested I get a dog. I am having trouble deciding whether I’d want another dog – even though I love them so much – because Griffin, my current dog, is the best dog in the world. I couldn’t even think of replacing him, or seeing another dog’s cute little face and not have it be Griffin’s. But she wants me to get one for protection because I live alone, technically. OK – weird. But my first instinct was, “I could not take care of a dog.” I can’t get myself up early enough, or cut out any time in my day, to take care of myself, how the hell am I going to wake up early to walk a dog/feed a dog/give a dog attention?

I don’t know if this is a phase I’ll grow out of. But, it’s kind of brought me to the “Could I ever have a child?” thought process. I mean, I know for sure what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant. For some, it could be a really tough decision. But, not that I’ve ever been in the situation, I have a feeling I would face it with ease. And that’s a bit worrisome.

I’m sure as I grow and mature (yeah, right…) I’ll get better about it. I’m not completely taking kids out of the question… and this is not something a woman on the verge of 23 should be thinking about, but I don’t know, things happen and get me thinking about things. I surprise myself with my own selfish tendencies sometimes, and I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. It’s normal to put yourself first, because if you don’t, you won’t get anywhere.

At the same time, I often take care of my friends like I’m their mother. Sometimes to the point where I’ll follow them around parties all night to prevent them from making bad decisions when really, the person who should be followed is me! But, who knows, I’ll revisit this thought when situations are different and I’m not just starting my life.

I’ll let you all know how it goes, don’t worry.

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