Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear Old Me,

So you know ask you those questions like, “What would you tell your former self if given the chance?” And I could probably name 1,000 things to say to old Patty. Even more than that! 2,000!

Here’s my letter to the former me around the age of… I don’t know, 17:

Dear Patty,

Do you like being called Patty now? Is it working out for you? Good. It will stick in the long run. Soon, everyone will be calling you Patty.

You’re going to have a gmail account.

And you’ll join Myspace and Facebook and Twitter... I know, the names are crazy - but they're a lot better than AOL chatrooms.

Backstreet Boys will re-unite, but it won’t be any good. You’ll enjoy it, for what it is, but it’ll pass in like… two weeks.

Put on some jeans. Just fucking do it.

You’re going to meet a woman, and she’s going to be solely responsible for the best and worst moments of your life. She will influence you to do terrible, awful things… and you’re going to love her so much. But no, you’re not a lesbian. But you’re going to spend a lot of time defending that fact.

On that note, you will spend a lot of time with gay people. A LOT.

You will get in to comedy, but when you really get into it – your goal won’t be to end up on SNL anymore. And it’s nicer that way.

You’ll read a book titled “Frenemies” and your friend Evan will HATE it.

You’ll kiss all your friends, and it won’t be weird or awkward. Well, at least not always.

Your hair will be red; you’ll wear black Chanel frames; you’ll try sushi and hate it; you’ll love all your jobs; you’ll become one of the boys; you’ll go to Vegas twice in 4 months; Griffin’s still cute; and watch out, because you’re going to get clumsier and clumsier as time goes on.

But guess what Pattycakes? Life’s great on the 23-years side of life.

Any questions?

Xoxo, Barrett All (oh yeah, you’ll start a blog… it’s called Barrett All, PUNS!)

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