Tuesday, October 6, 2009

You know how everyone thinks their friends are the funniest and best friends in the world?

I don’t. My friends suck. They’re not funny at all. They have hardly any redeeming qualities whatsoever. They say stupid things to me, they never make any sense, and they’re constantly calling each other out on their shit.

Nope, I hate them.

They eat bullshit Turkish pizza. They make dumb phone calls to 9-1-1 because they’re singing the song “Somebody call 9-1-1” and thought it’d be a nice effect to actually call 9-1-1. They think basketballs are used for DANCING, not playing hoops. They buy me drinks because I’m a lady – but never, ever treat me like a lady otherwise. Like, for instance, telling strangers that I buy family-sized packs of Plan B at Costco to pop whenever I’m curling up to watch a movie. They do weird things in scenes and call each other out on it, like, “Are you going to keep your eyes closed the whole time you’re pooping again?”

They never make me laugh so hard I can’t breathe. Never. Well, there was that one time that Babyface knocked over his water at TGI Friday's while trying to save an onion ring. OK. That was really funny.

They fart a thousand times and blame me. They hit me, punch me, throw me on the ground and jokingly hump me. They say "kewl beanz" or "kewl fingers with a side of beansicles" and "Methinks" instead of "I think". Some of them even think they're vampires... but how could you be a vampire if you eat so many Doritos and absolutely no human blood?

Ugh, they’re literally the worst.

God, I love them.

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