Saturday, November 14, 2009

We're sisters, and we kind of like each other.


That is a picture of my sister and I and my world famous bonnet.

I may look sweet and innocent, but I wasn't. After this picture was taken, odds are I immediately punched my sister in the mouth then pistol whipped the shit out of her. I did that a lot. Not the pistol whipping, just beating her up in general. Or doing things out of anger. Like dragging her across the floor by her hair. Oh, did I mention she's 5 years OLDER than me?

Today is her birthday. She's turning 28. Here are some facts:

She's a lawyer in New York City making more money in a year than I'd make in 4 or 5 years at my current salary.

Her real name's Elizabeth.

We once wrote a short story called "The Little Fat Girl That Could" about a little fat girl who went into a museum and ruined everything because she was so fat. She ate a lot of things, and broke things - I don't really remember the premise, but it was really funny.

She likes lesbian teen dramas.

She won't give up on her life long dream: me becoming a lesbian and/or having a baby.

I don't let her call me Patty. Ever. And if she calls me it, I don't respond.

And she's funnier than me, in a less attention-grabbing way. (See below for her seriously hilarious "25 Things" from January)

So, happy birthday Betsy! I love you! Buy me something!

25 Things About Betsy as told by Betsy Barrett:

1) My last name is Barrett. My mother's maiden name is Bartlett. And my paternal grandmother's last name was Barry. This means that I am fated to one day marry Roseanne Barr.

2) My sister's name is Patricia. Patricia. Not Patty. Certainly not Tricia. I am very fond of her. (That's me!)

3) I am one of the worst procrastinators I have ever met. I am incapable of doing work until I have no time left to do it.

4) I love to sleep but I am really bad at it. My body is such a procrastinator that it will put off going to sleep for days at a time.

5) When I was little I loved Nick at Nite. It used to bother me a lot when they would replace something awesome like Bewitched or Alfred Hitchcock Presents with something stupid like the Brady Bunch or My Three Sons. I will never forgive them for that. I won't even talk about this Home Improvement/ Full House crap they have on now.

6) Even though I hate the Brady Bunch series (see above), I loved the movies. The ones with Dianne Cheers and Melody Hey Dude. I love them a lot.

7) I can be a little bit obsessive. Sometimes I will fall in love with something like an author or a tv show or a movie. And I will just devote myself to it for a couple of weeks. The absolute best is when my sister shares an obsession (Arrested Development). The worst is when no one wants to hear about it at all like Faulkner or South of Nowhere.

8) When I was in first grade I ended the Cold War.

9) When I was a baby my parents had a coffee percolator. As I was crawling around, I pulled on the cord and got boiling hot coffee all over me. I was in the hospital for a couple of days. My mom is still upset over the loss of perfectly good coffee.

10) Speaking of childhood injuries, when I was in first and second grade I would come to school with bruises and bite marks. They were all from my little sister (2 or 3 at the time) who would torture me. (See, told you.)

11) I love to name things. And I often look at baby name websites. But my love of naming things has not overpowered my love of not birthing nameable things.

12) My first job was stuffing chickens for functions at the Somerville City Club.

13) I love to wander around with my ipod (before that it was my DellPod Jr. and before that it was a walkman). I could walk around for hours. And if I am not in a position to walk sometimes I will just wander around in the house.

14) I am always thinking of characters and plots to books, movies and tv shows I will never write. Even though I will never write them every character and plot has a song or band associated with them.

15) I have horrible eye sight. Truly horrible. I don't wear glasses or contacts because when you go to get a prescription those "doctors" insist on looking in your eyes. YOUR EYES. Only a psychopath wants to play with people's eyes for a living. I am not letting some psychopath blow air in my eye! I don't care if I do have glaucoma. The point is, if you see me and I ignore you I probably didn't see you.

16) On a similar note, I also have bad hearing. I don't really have taste buds. I can't smell AT ALL. And I might be able to touch but I try to avoid it. Basically, I am the opposite of a superhero. I have a complete lack of extraordinary ability. I also have a complete lack of ordinary abilities.

17) I only look for one quality in a friend. The ability to talk about the apocalypse. I am very lucky to have people in my life that are happy to do so. I really do love my friends very much.

18) I don't speak good English. Seriously, I have very poor grammar and spelling skills.

19) I studied abroad in England and I loved it. The week before I left I was at a family function. My father told them I was going to Oxford for the semester and their only response was "What happened you couldn't get into anywhere in Ireland?" [sic]

20) I taught CCD to first graders at St Therese's Church when I was in High School. The only lesson I remember is a very long conversation about Posh Spice's pregnancy. She really is just like the Virgin Mary. So, luckily, those kids had me to give them a strong religious background that will guide them through life. (Now that I think about it, that might have been a good time to bring up the apocalypse thing. Maybe I should look into doing that again?)

21) When I was at the Centre School a man with a gun ran through the lobby and was chased by the police. In other places a gunman in an elementary school is a big deal. In Everett, its a Tuesday.

22) Some jokes are always funny to me, no matter how old or cliche they are. Like the bit where Jessica Fletcher killed all of the people in Murder She Wrote. Or Italian stereotypes. They just never get old.

23) I started out as a Psychology major in college. But I changed it to History because I realized that the one thing I wanted to get out of college was material for all of those history jokes I LOVE to make. And I truly do love to make them.

24) I hate to drive. I despise it. I basically hyperventilate when I get behind a wheel. Plus, I can't see so I am not very good at it. (see #15) But I do have my driver's license.

25) Internally, I am a ball of anxiety. I am constantly worrying about all sorts of insignificant things. If I actually vocalize a concern than its something that I have been brooding over for weeks. And if I am mentioning it than its a pretty big deal to me, even if its something small and silly.

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