Thursday, February 3, 2011

Case It All

Did you know that I ghost write a blog for my friend, Casey? Well, I do. It's called Case It All {which really makes no sense. But if he did start a blog, I'd want him to call it, "Case in Point" or "Just in Case..." or "Casey and JoJo".}  It's pretty awesome and paints a pretty terrible picture of him. But, I can assure you that it's all embellished.*

Today, I share with you an excerpt:

Hey, what's up, it's Casey. Whatever. Shut up.

It's 9:40 on a Monday and I just finished doing my hair. I started when I got home from work... so like 7:15ish. I figured I'd post a tutorial on how to get your hair to look as bad ass as mine.
Step 1: Take a shower. Remove your ill-fitted Simpsons character boxers first though. I forgot this time. Usually I remember.
Step 2: Shampoo, cry, condition, Axe body wash, sob for two minutes straight. Repeat 3 times, elongate the sobbing for an additional four minutes.
Step 3: Take a towel and slowly de-fog the mirror. Start by placing the towel at the top of the mirror and slowly working your way down. While doing that, stare into the mirror sexily.
Step 4: Throw towel on the floor. Stare at self. You can blow a kiss, but you don't have to, you know you've got your reflections attention, you don't need to go allout.
Step 5: Spray yourself with Axe body spray.
Step 6: Gently take out your basket of hair products.
Step 7: Take some L.A. Looks gel out and empty half the bottle into your hands. Separate into two piles and hold in each hand. Run both hands through your hair. Pretend you're nickname is "Preppy".
Step 8: Flex your muscles. Take a picture of your dick with your iPhone. Hipstamatic app makes it look cooler, but you can go without it.
Step 9: Now that the gel has dried, take out some Finesse or Rave hairspray. Close your eyes and spray for roughly five minutes. If you're upset with yourself, open your eyes and feel the burn.
Step 10: Cry.
Step 11: Take out Garnier Fructis Surf Hair Wax: Made for Woman. Make sure the tube says "Made for Woman". Put JUST A LITTLE BIT on your fingertips and rub them together. Mold your hair until it's perfectly coiffed.
Step 12: Put some clothes on. Even if it's those same ill-fitted Simpsons character boxers. You can also go for Family Guy ones... ONLY IF IT'S STEWIE DRESSED AS DARTH VADER.
Step 13: Put on mascara.
Step 14: Sit on your couch and watch some episodes of Las Vegas.
Step 15: Reconvene sobbing.

*Embellished because he cries WAY more than that. WAY more. EASY. {does anybody know where that quote is from?}

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