Friday, February 25, 2011

Flirting.


I’m a girl! So I love to flirt. And laugh. And have fun with my friends. But I’m notorious for misconstruing flirting for just general politeness, friendliness, sexual harassment and/or rape.

“You’re so much fun to be around, everyone else sucks.”
His mind: She’s so much fun to be around; everyone else sucks.
Mine: Totally in love with me.

“I like your glasses.”
His mind: I like her glasses.
My mind: Totally into me.

“Why don’t you unbutton that top button and show us what we want to see?”
His mind: I’m totally engaged/married/dating someone but I like boobs.
My mind: He’s engaged/married/dating someone – but THIS LOVE IS REAL.

“Give me your purse or I’ll trap you in this alley!”
His mind: I’m a drunk/drugged out/homeless man and I need money and/or someone else’s flesh against mine.
My mind: ROMANCE  ISN'T DEAD!

So, there’s that. But I also am really bad at flirting. In some situations, guys are actually attracted and interested in me (mainly after a jug of alcohol) – and then I go and ruin it by saying things like:

“Oh man, I haven’t drank like this in a while – I like to be home early so my cat doesn’t get mad at me.”

“I’m 25 and arthritic, I have the joints of a 75 year old!”

“I’m totally down to make out – let me just see if any of my friends need me to sleep with them tonight.”

“Where’d I get this pearl necklace? My mom. Why? Oh, was that supposed to be a dirty thing?”

“I imagine I’ll probably die of some STD that doctors aren’t even aware of.”

“I was saving my virginity for Jimmy Fallon, but then I got bored.”

“No! I’m definitely not seeing anyone right now. In fact, I haven’t been seeing anyone in so long that my cave is filled with cobwebs.”

“We should exchange numbers. I’ll text you pictures of myself when I wake up in the morning, you have to see how weird my bangs look!”

I'm gonna go lock myself in a cave for a year or two. 
have a good weekend!

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