Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Bender

Remember that post I wrote last week that talked about how boring I was and how I'd prefer to spend my time in my room watching episodes of Wings and maybe eating pizza? Well, I was not that person this weekend.

I don't know what happened. It was all an accident. And every single self-loathing day I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a Doritos truck. And then I'd go about my day (hours after waking up, when I could finally move) and I'd tell my friends, "I'm not drinking tonight. No way, no how. I'm going home after this to stare at the cat while she sleeps."

But I never went home. I mean, eventually. But only after going to a liquor store (before going to a house party) and buying Sutter Home mini bottles of Pinot Grigio, not understanding that was probably equivalent to eight glasses of wine. Yet, I was still shocked when I felt drunk, sitting in a kitchen talking about how badly I wanted a Harry Potter tattoo. And maybe I shouldn't have drank half of a 40 (I mean, A. I'm not homeless and B) I can afford Sutter Home wine, why am I drinking 40's?) with my friends... in a cab.

Needless to say, the next day came around. Headache. Nausea. Self-loathing. And I'd say to my friends, "How did that happen? Well, it's not happening tonight! No way, no how! I'm going right home after rehearsal to cry myself to sleep in a lukewarm shower."

Then, somehow it was 1am and I was at a bar (the kind where the windows get really fogged up because of the amount of sweaty people dancing inside) pretending it was my 21st birthday while drinking some sort of blue liquid out of a BUCKET with 27 neon-colored crazy straws inside of it, while two dueling pianists sang "Smooth Criminal" and that sad song from "Phenomenon" to me.

You better believe I woke up the next day thinking, "AGAIN?" Except it was even worse than the other two days! I mean, who do I think I am? A fun person? What was I doing on a bender like it actually was my 21st birthday? Which, for your information, I didn't even go on a bender for! Because I'm perpetually LAME.

But it's over. That's it. I'm throwing in the blue mascara covered towel. (All of my towels are covered in blue mascara) All I want to do is drink gallons of water, de-puff my skin bags and this time I really mean it when I say, "NO WAY NO HOW." I'm due for that lukewarm shower now.

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