Friday, October 7, 2011

Sweetums.

Do you watch "Parks and Recreation?" Well you should. One of the interns at my work left the new Pawnee book on my desk today and I've been flipping through it... it's pretty amazing. Pawnee, Indiana is the town where the show is based. And the town itself is basically a character. Sort of like Springfield in "The Simpsons."

Pawnee's slogan is, "First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity." Sweetums candy factory is hugely responsible for this. Here's a list of Sweetums candy factory's products:

*Fruityums - Chewy fruit candies
*Icyums - Wintergreen gum
*Frooties! - soda pop, really just a 32 oz. can of corn syrup.
*Gusherz - Nougat-filled chocolates
*Nutz 'N Stuf - Candy snack mix with nuts, licorice bites, gummy bears, red hots, pretzels and beef jerky nuggets.
*Jus' Stuf - Candy snack mix (just beef jerky nuggets and licorice)
*Kandy Nailz - Candy fingernails
*Lil' Nooses - Licorice ropes
*Puppy Pops - Dog bone-shaped shortbread biscuits for people
*Poppy Pups - Bagel-shaped dog bones for dogs
*Wateryums - Hard candy with refreshing water inside
*Earring Pops - Earring-shaped candy (can actually pierce ears, contains metal)
*Metalyums - Candy-scented eleven-inch industrial construction screws (not for consumption)
*Nougat in Yo' Face - Facial cream (not for consumption)
*Sweetums Peanut Butter - Not for consumption
*Teef Saverz - Sugarfree gum
*Teef Killerz - Extra sugar gum
*Mike and Plenty
*Good and Ike
*Sweetums Fun Salt - Salt (high-fructose corn syrup-flavored salt)
*Sweetums Delicious SnakPak - 100-calorie snack packs
*Sweetums Delicious SnackPak - 1,000-calorie snack packs
*SwimmyYums - Pan-roasted wild striped bass dipped in chocolate
*High-fructose corn syrup

Discontinued products:
*Lithiyums - High-lithium fruit gummies
*Morphyums - High-morphine Lithiyums
*Low-fat Morphyums - Low-fat high-morphine Lithiyums
*Morphyums Zero - High-morphine Lithiyums with zero calories
*Edible Monacles
*Grandpa-Flavored Butterscotch Candies
*Marlyums - Smokeable candy cigarettes
*"Bitter Memories" Brand Licorice
*White Chocolate Eggs
*Whites-Only Chocolate Eggs
*Whites-Only White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups for White People
*Taffy for Hispanics
*Bag of Acid
*Thimble o' Beef Stew
*Candy Actual-Canes - Intended for use as canes
*Gumdrops 'N Hair
*Butt Lollipops - theorized about, drawn up in the lab, oddly at one time considered for military applications, never actually produced.

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