Friday, February 17, 2012

On Being The Worst.


On paper, I’m pretty cool. I’m “quirky” and a comedian and my glasses are almost as big as my face. But, thanks to society (or maybe just Pinterest) I know that I’m not living up to my cool potential. There are so many traits, possessions, hair extensions that I wish I had to be the person I really want to be.

In my mind, my apartment is super cool. I have a fridge stocked with cool beers, artisan cheeses and salty meats. Kind of like I’m always ready for a picnic at the drop of the hat. In fact, I don’t even have a kitchen table, I have a picnic blanket! I have a wall where instruments are hung up – but the only one I know how to play is the accordion. And I kill it on the accordion. Friends come over like all the time and admire the fun artwork on my frame wall while we listen to records and laugh. I do improv comedy, stay up late watching movies from the 1960’s and roll out of bed whenever the fuck I want because I’m a successful writer slash boutique breakfast place owner. My hair is super long, always has a perfect “bump” (without the use of any foam donuts) and I’m a brilliant, strategic thrifter with a closet full with vintage dresses.

In reality… my apartment is a mess. My roommate is a cat and she wakes me up by clawing my face several minutes before my alarm goes off every single morning just because she’s evil. My fridge has one can of Bud Light from a party that we threw over the summer… and half a bottle of Pinot Grigio. The first half of which I drank alone. There’s nothing else in there but a package of shredded mozzarella cheese, a rotten avocado and mustard. Instead of cool art, I have a giant picture frame filled with professional photographs of my two idiot friends. I don’t play any instruments but I do have an awesome record player! I fall asleep while watching sitcoms from the 1960’s (because I don’t have the patience for movies) and generally have an anxiety attack. I wake up too early for a job that I work to pay the bills while trying to be an improv comedian at night. I leave comedy shows to go home and eat gummy bears while watching The Muppets on YouTube. Generally my hair is a wavy mess and my closet is filled with Target dresses… and most of them are on the floor. And my friends never come over because they don't want to climb up 3,000 stairs to hang out in my tiny apartment.

Maybe I’m not the best person in the world… but I’m not the worst!

No, wait, I am. I'm the worst.

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