Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Lazy Man's Lunch {Dinner... and Breakfast}

 I typically eat one meal a day. Because there are points where my body is like "You're an idiot and you treat me horribly" and then I decide I should make it shut up. But some days I only eat cereal {out of a solo cup} or half a bag of popcorn. Or a slice of pizza, because let's face it, I live in the North End and it's made out of pizza.

So, here's a good go-to meal that I'm going to teach you how to make: A pb sandwich. And by that, I mean peanut butter. Not Patty Barrett.

1. Get bread. You should opt for wheat or whole grain or something like that. I mean, whatever. Do what you want. But white bread is dumb. It tastes better, of course, but you get used to the taste of wheat bread. It's healthier for you. And you're about to eat a whole bunch of peanut butter packed with fat. Delicious "healthy" fat. But, fat nonetheless.

2. Get Peanut Butter. Choosy Mom's choose Jif, Cheap Patty's choose whatever's cheapest. That's usually Skippy. What a dumb name! Skippy! Whatever. I'm from Everett where the Teddy Peanut Butter factory is located. I've never eaten Teddy Peanut Butter. But I went to cheerleading practice once right next to the factory and it smelled like delicious peanut butter. I lasted for a week as a cheerleader. My best friend bullied me.

3. Get a butter knife. Pretend to stab your cat. Dip knife into jar of peanut butter. Get a generous amount. {I try to go for like...  a tablespoon.}

4. Spread on one piece of bread. Wipe the knife clean on the OTHER piece of bread.

5. Here's where you can get CRAZY. Either put the two pieces of bread together and cut the sandwich in half - or triangles - and eat it that way. OR, add jelly {choice 1: raspberry, choice 2: grape, choice 3: raspberry and grape} or Fluff. Do you have Fluff where you are? Fluff is the BEST! It has no nutritional value... but... it's the best. I have none.

6. Put knife in dishwasher. By that, I mean sink... I am my dishwasher.

7. Eat, idiot. With milk. I like milk.

I hope you feel stupid-er now. Like I do!

1 comment:

Bronnie said...

Haha. Love it.

BTW, how the hell do you survive on one meal a day?!?!


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