Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Preparing for Old Womanhood

While flipping through this month's Glamour, I read an article on breast cancer.  Did you know everything increases your chance for breast cancer? Drinking, eating bad food, SIMPLY JUST BEING A WOMAN.  Man.

Lately, the idea of growing old has terrified me.  I have no issue with age, and I love growing up and all the fun (and terrible) stuff that comes with it.  But, I have bad bones now... and I think of what they're going to be like in ten, twenty, FIFTY years and I get really scared.  At this rate, I'll be in a wheelchair by the time I'm 40.

So, like any sane 26 year old... I'm starting to prepare.  How, you ask?  Here is my plan, feel free to prepare with me.  Want to have a Preparing For Old Age party?

Apparently, 5 hours a week of exercise (even just brisk walking) decreases your chance of a whole lot of things.  Breast cancer, other cancers, heart attacks, never finding love, etc.  I've been going jog walking every day (that's when mostly you walk but every now and then you jog, but hate it, so you go back to walking.) (Also, "every day" means like the past three days.)

Vitamins. Vitamin D for my terrible bones and a multi-vitamin for my terrible everything else.

I cut out soda (except on special occasions... like "going to the movies" or "having a weird day.")  Yes, even though diet soda has no calories or fat and just a shit ton of sodium... I just, I don't know, cut it out.  I should be drinking more water anyway.  And when you close your eyes really tight and drink it, it tastes a whole lot like... no, it still tastes like iced cold nothing.

I moisturize my face.  First, I wash it.  Then, I remove the raccoon eyes.  Then, I use toner stuff!  The stuff that burns and removes all the dirt from your pores and makes you feel gross!  Then, I moisturize my face and neck.  I'm steps away from purchasing fancy eye cream.  I laugh a lot... like when I'm having fun with my friends, which is something I love to do... so, I just don't want wrinkles for days.

I'm attempting a drinking fast.   I don't like beer that much.  But it's cheap(er).  So, I try to go the healthy route and drink white wine or vodka.  Then I black out.  And do stupid things.  (Like sprain my ankle or text people rude things.)  So, I guess the alternative is to give it up all together.  Or, moderation.  But let's face it... moderation is the worst.

I'm (working on) cutting out red meat.  But, the problem is... I love steak.  Fuck, I love steak.  Maybe it'll be one of those "every six months" type of things.  Or, every time my dog dies or something.  (I had a dog. He died.)

I don't know.  That's it.  Maybe I should do things like not plan and see what happens, but...  I'll never stop being afraid of being old.  Old Patty seems awful.  I want to be Young Patty, who moves like an old woman, forever!

1 comment:

Debbi said...

Take it from an old woman, you're SO SMART to take a look at lifestyle changes while you're young. I'm lucky to have strong bones and good skin, so I've never worried about calcium, vitamin D or any kind of special skin regimen. (That must have saved me tons o'cash.) But I wish I'd learned to love running when I was your age, instead of in my mid 50s. And I should have joined AA when I was 30 instead of 40. The trouble is, if someone had told me this back then (as I'm telling you now), I wouldn't have listened. The biggest thing I needed to change was my know-it-all attitude. Looks like you don't have that problem. I wish you a beautiful old age, and I hope it doesn't hit you for a long, long time.


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