Wednesday, February 19, 2014

to be real.

I spend way too much wondering what people think of me.  Way. Too. Much.  

I will lose entire days to wondering what I could be doing differently to get so-and-so to like me (or if they do like me, how do they like me more?)  I lose sleep worrying about whether or not I hurt someone's feelings, or if I said too much, or if I should have done something differently... or, and this is the worst of them all, I feel ashamed about simply letting loose and being myself.  It's a damn shame and just about the worst way to spend my time.

At the end of the day, aside from all that mess, I really like myself.  I like who I am.  I like what I've done with my life.  When I lay down the facts and take inventory of the great things in my life, I'm happy.  I honestly feel lucky and blessed.  (I always try to think about and remember my last night at IA and how I felt when I got to my door... so very lucky.) But I lose sight of that so much.  I forget to think about all the GREAT things and solely focus on those frustrating negative things.  I actually forget that I like myself and that I'm doing fine and I just sit in the juices of self-hate. (That's a phrase and metaphor I'm starting if you want to jump on board.) 

But I'm SO TIRED OF IT. (It's still going to happen, I'm sure.) BUT I'M SO TIRED OF IT. 

It's okay that sometimes I get a little too drunk and maybe I'm a little too affectionate with people.  That could include kissing my boyfriend or texting my friends and telling them how much I love them or telling my friends in person how much I love them.  Sometimes I get obnoxious when I'm drunk and want to sing and dance and take ALL THE INSTAGRAMS.  

There are also things I do when I'm not drunk (I know, what a crazy thing) that I feel guilty and weird about:  

I watch "New Girl" and I like Zooey Deschanel.  OK? Is that so bad? I think the show is hilarious and I think Zooey is gorgeous and I even own all of her music because guess what? I think she's a great singer.  In the comedy world, people look down on so MUCH. When I first got into comedy, people hated on Jimmy Fallon so much for breaking and finding himself too funny. But now he's like a comedy hero and I'm glad because I THINK HE'S GREAT! And I think it's fun to break during sketches because I think my friends are crazy hilarious and I sometimes surprise myself with the stupid things that come out of my mouth in improv. (I once said my last name was Tomato and died laughing. I have no idea where it came from.) 

I feel guilty about disagreeing with people. As if I can't have my own opinion. 

I don't like going out to bars all that much and I feel bad about that.  They're expensive and crowded and there are terrible people everywhere and I actually prefer being at home in my pajamas, drinking wine on the couch and watching TV.  I'm an introvert and being around people causes me INSANE AMOUNTS OF STRESS after a while. 

The point is...  it's exhausting.  It's exhausting worrying so much and it's terrible to waste precious time of my life caring about other people's opinions.  Sometimes, I read those articles that say your 30's/40's are better than your 20's because you stop giving a shit and I get excited because I can't wait.  I wish it could happen right now, but it won't happen over night. I'm trying. But my brain is a tough cookie to go up against.  I've said it before and I'll say it again... we have to give ourselves a break.  We have to like ourselves more so that we care a whole lot less when other people don't like us at all. And that, my friends, is my goal for the year. 

Actually, well, I should make finding a job my main goal.  But my second goal is to give myself a br- damnit.  I should also pay off some loans and start getting my credit into shape. FINE. MY THIRD GOAL IS TO STOP CARING. 

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