Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Joy of Boobs

Hi friends, old and new.  Today I want to talk about boobs with you.

I’ve wanted to write this post for a while, but I never worked up the courage.  I thought, “What a weird thing to write about” or “People are going to yell at you for complaining about big boobs” or… various other things.  But, the truth is, although I am quite fine with what I’ve been given – they’re really frustrating some times.

Take, today, for example.  I went through my closet before ultimately picking up whatever was on the floor and throwing it on.  And then I thought, “Hm, this shows off my chest a little too much though.”  And then, as I scanned the rest of my closet, I realized that EVERYTHING DOES.  If a neckline is too high, it shows off too much.  If a neckline is too low, it (obviously) shows off too much.  Sweetheart, V-neck, scoop neck… EVERYTHING SHOWS OFF TOO MUCH.  Even if I wear an oversized men's BUTTON DOWN, well guess what?  There's gaping and everything pops out! What do I wear?  A Hefty bag?  Because I have one and will!

In high school, my friend Janine wore a white tank top (commonly referred to as a “wife beater”) to school.  She wore it with jeans, or something low key, and they were in during that time so everyone was ALWAYS wearing them.  However, Janine was blessed with big boobs.  She’d always had them.  In fact, when I first met her in 8th grade, it was the first thing I noticed about her.  (I mean, I’m sorry Janine – but your boobs are huge!  You’re also very pretty and your hair is red no matter what you think.) Well, when an administrator saw Janine, she was pulled out of class and got into trouble for wearing revealing clothing.  Her argument was, “Everyone else is wearing the same thing.” And they basically said, “Yeah, well, they’re not as revealing on other people.” Which is RIDICULOUS.

So, today, after feeling empowered and ultimately deciding to just wear the dress (I’m really running out of options nowadays – I need new clothes) – I started feeling really silly.  Even as I was driving to work, I started pulling my sweater over my chest area and holding it closed, as if other drivers were appalled by my chest all of a sudden.  I got to work and held the sweater closed and now still, I have one button done while I sit down so that if I slouch or something, it doesn’t offend anyone (or get me in trouble… although I highly doubt that happening.)

Big boobs are a blessing and a curse.  They’re mostly just annoying.  It’s hard to buy clothes without trying EVERYTHING on because you have to make sure it’ll be the right fit for your chest.  A dress or shirt will fit everywhere else – and be too big in most cases – and then stupid boobs ruin everything.  EVERYTHING!  They just do not work in today's fashion world.  Even this cardigan over dress combo that I'm awkwardly rocking right now would look cute and demure on anyone else, but on me... I look like a porn star trying to pretend she's not a porn star.  

And don't even get me started on the back problems and issues with finding bras. 

I know, I know... "grass is greener" and stuff.  I'm sure if I had smaller boobs, I'd be annoyed too!  All I'm saying is, they're not all they're cracked up to be.  Don't go wasting your time wishing you had them, or thinking they'll fix all the problems in your life because while they may get you some (usually unwanted) attention... they will add more stress and pressure.  That's just a literal, physical fact.

And that was today's boob talk with Patty Barrett. 


SP said...

I too have large boobs as I'm sure many women do. It's extra important for large boobied women to be able to try on bras so we can find something that comfortably supports us; yet, most stores don't carry large bras! We're forced to place an online order with a hope and a prayer that they'll fit or go to insanely expensive boutique shops. Places like Victoria's Secret sell bras that supposedly give the illusion of an additional 3 cups yet they don't sell bras for women with naturally big breasts. Oh the hypocrisy!

CM said...

Oh my god yes thank god other women are going through the big boob struggle too! I also have large boobs and constantly stuggle with the shirt-straining-over-chest-gaps-between-buttons-showing-bra problem!I'm lucky I haven't been arrested for flashing in some instances! And don't even get me started on being unable to run for the bus or anything!

Patty Barrett said...


I never even thought about the fact that they sell bras to make boobs look big, but not for boobs that ARE big! Ugh, the worst!

And running, in general - or JUMPING JACKS? Never.


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