Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Identity Crisis

Remember that time I went surfing a month ago with my company?  When I first pulled up to the beach, I immediately freaked out.  There was no way I was going to do that!  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  "I'm not the surfing type of girl!" I screamed loudly inside of my brain.  

I'm still not "the surfing type" but at the very least, I tried it.  Refusing to do things because it's not who I am and doesn't relate to my identity is a really bad habit, I'm realizing.  I turn so many things down because they're not "me".  It's nice to feel like yourself, but how does one figure out different parts of their identity without experimenting?  It's like the older I get, the less different shit I try and the less life I have inside of me and the more I turn into a couch potato. 

During my freshman year of college, I had this roommate who liked going out to clubs.  She also liked drinking, getting high and randomly hanging out with Paul Pierce.  We were very different people as most nights I chose staying in my room watching Project Runway over having a social life.  But we got along pretty well.  And sometimes, even though it totally wasn't my style, I'd go to clubs with her.  And oddly enough, I had fun.  I was severely uncomfortable and didn't love strange men grinding on me - but hey, I enjoyed it.  In fact, during that summer, I went to A LOT of clubs.  These days, I would probably never do such a thing because I hate crowds, expensive drinks and people sweating on me - but for a brief period of time, I put my identity aside and let it become a part of who I was.  FOR A VERY BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME. 

I make a lot of decisions because "that's just who I am."  I'll drink an entire bottle of wine on a Tuesday, because "I'm Irish and that's who I am!" I'll let myself be alone a lot of the time because I'm introverted and that's just the way I am.  Those aren't necessarily things to brag about!  That doesn't HAVE to be who I am!  I don't have to be drunk inside my turtle shell ALL THE TIME, right?  

I guess I don't really know where I'm going here.  Maybe I'm having some sort of identity crisis.  But I do know there are a lot of bad habits that I foster by brushing new experiences or healthier habits under the rug because they're not who I am.  And I should probably look into changing that mentality.  

How real for a Tuesday, huh?  I'm feeling very introspective this week!  

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