Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Who I Am vs Who I Want To Be

I had wild and crazy dreams when I was a kid and I legitimately thought they were all possible.  Some days, it'd be something as simple as being a receptionist.  I would sit at my desk, play on my computer and type nothing while pretending to answer phones. 

The good news is, I eventually became a receptionist.  Well, an office manager, but basically a glorified receptionist.  So don't let anyone tell you that you can't achieve your dreams! 

I also had dreams of being a dancer, singer, actress, artist, writer, etc.  Creativity was always something I celebrated in myself and it was my guiding light.  It's what got me to sign up for an improv class and become a performer.  It's what got me to open up a notebook (or even a LiveJournal page) and write.  I wrote all the time - I have journals full of garbage and even a short horror story called "Shrill Screams" that I wrote when I was in sixth grade.  Since I can remember, I have always wanted to do something creative... and the possibilities seemed limitless.  

When I think of the person I want to be and the career that I want to have, it's complicated.  I want to be a smart, hard-working person.  I want to be funny for a living and write all day long in a writers room all through the night.  I want to be happy and fulfilled and collaborate with other fun, creative people every day. 

The problem is that some days, I feel so stuck in what I'm doing.  Unlike when I was a kid, there are factors that actually go into achieving your dreams.  Shit costs money!  And I don't have my parents paying for things or the ability to get a part-time job at a theatre/school to pay for classes.  I need a full-time job to support myself and my dreams, but then I work so much that I don't have the time for anything else.  The older you get and the more responsibility you have, it becomes incredibly exhausting to chase your dreams.  It's all so daunting and overwhelming.  

However, these are just excuses.  It might be tiring and it might be the worst but if I don't take the necessary actions to further my own career then it's going to hurt me in the long run and I'm going to wind up miserable in a job/career that I never intended to have just because it was easy.  Sometimes, the easy way out is a fine idea... like Bud Light margaritas in a can!  So easy, so perfect.  But if you choose the easy way on major life decisions, chances are you'll end up unhappy and wondering what could have been if you had just tried.  If you just dealt with a couple of exhausting, long days to see how they might have paid off in the end.  

Terrifying, right?  Everything is terrifying.  Life is terrifying!  But if we fail, we fail trying and that's much better than hating ourselves for risks we didn't take.  It's time that I start aligning who I am with who I want to be.  If I want to be someone who achieves all of her dreams, I have to start taking the necessary steps to do that so I can start saying who I am and actually believe it. 

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