I have a tendency of taking things pretty personal. I just have a hard time thinking rationally when I'm offended despite the fact that more often than not, it's not a personal jab. Sometimes it is, but most times it's not. And even when people do mean it personally… then who really cares, right?
Whether it's hearing something shitty that someone said about me or seeing all my friends hanging out on Snapchat and I wasn't invited or seeing a vague status that someone puts up on Facebook that is kinda, maybe about me but probably is about someone else or people in general.
It's all really stupid. I'm almost at the ripe old age of 29 and I'm getting too old for this shit... is what I say!
Last year was just a god damn challenge for me. I was new to a city and my entire life was up in the air. I was going through this phase where I didn't know who or what to trust. I was confused about the last few years of my life and I didn't know what was ahead of me. I felt a little bit lost and in situations like that, it's easy to become insecure. I had no control and I hate not having control.
My way to combat that was by staying in my apartment and being as quiet as possible. I withheld all honesty from mostly everyone. Whenever asked, I'd say everything in California was great and I tried to keep everything surface level. I was pretty insecure about people talking behind my back and I wanted to make sure that I controlled what was being put out there. If I said everything was great in LA, then nobody could say that I wasn't doing well or that I made a mistake. If I said I was super happy, then nobody could put me down.
But, well, obviously that wasn't always the case. I'm sure people had plenty of stuff to say, they always do, but then again - there were plenty of times where I had thoughts on other people's lives and careers, so if I was doing that about other people - then I had no right to get upset about it.
After drunkenly putting a friend of mine down in front of a whole group of people (including him), I decided it was enough. It was time to stop being bitter, stop talking shit, and stop making assumptions about other people's lives. My two cents was unwarranted, nobody asked for it or needed it! And spending time feeling bitter and resentful was a total waste. Who am I to judge? What if people are going through tough times and dealing with some shit? What if people have legit reasons for the decisions they're making in life?
I'm trying to just stop. To take a breath. To think before I speak (or judge). We're all pretty insane in our own right, so we shouldn't be judging everyone else's insanity just because it's a little different than ours. We shouldn't judge other people's paths because it's not the path we took. We should just mind our own god damn business.
That's not to say that I'm perfect all the time… I have my moments where I slip up and make assumptions and judgements before giving a second thought to the reasons behind people's decisions. But I'm really trying to let things go. I'm trying to just live in harmony with everyone in my life. I'm just going with the flow, hanging out with everyone despite awkwardness or torrid pasts and not bringing negativity to the table and not letting their possible negativity affect me. And so far, it's been great… and has reduced my anxiety ten fold.
This year in California is already a lot better. Things are steady and much less scary and hectic, so hopefully that security will help me be more understanding and respectful of other people's lives and decisions. At the end of the day, I love my friends (obviously) and I want to start doing my best and being a good friend to them and treating everyone with respect to their face, behind their backs… and in vague Facebook statuses.