Birthdays are the Best Days

This weekend was a great weekend. 

I probably don't use this blog properly anymore.  I've had a hard time with my voice.  I've lost it.  Or it's changing.  It's definitely getting deeper, a little scratchier and a whole lot more manly. I've just been feeling a lot more quiet and private.  Which is funny, because things are great.  Maybe I'm just evolving.  Like a real awkward butterfly.  

But anyways, I'll start over... this weekend was a great weekend.  It was my birthday.  That's sorta why.  Go ahead, call me selfish, I won't disagree.   

On Friday night, I made a joke to my cast mates that I was okay with working on my birthday because I got to spend the day "doing what I love."  I was being corny and ironic.  

Then I did work all day on my birthday.  (Like 10am to 1am.). And I did what I loved on my birthday (and we had one of our best shows in a while... maybe ever.)  And I had a REALLY great birthday.  I know birthdays don't matter so much when you get to your late 20's.  And that's what I thought, so I had almost zero expectations.  And somehow, I had the best birthday I've ever had!  BECAUSE I DID WHAT I LOVED!! (*falls out window*. *dies*)

I love getting older.  I love being just a bit wiser every year.  And just like New Year's, I love reflecting on a year gone by.  And getting super trashed in a pretty dress. 

But, this weekend, I realized a lot of cool things.  That if you request a signature midnight show drink of alcoholic Shirley Temples... your cast will get it for you.  That if you hear the voice of your friend talking in a mic through a speaker, it's a REALLY fun bit to pretend your friend shrunk and got stuck inside the speaker.  That teaching, and directing, is the best job I've ever had.  Somehow I've become, in Trevor's words, "the mother of improv."  That if you just calm down and be yourself, even the version of yourself that stops dogs on the street to ask what they're doing (the answer is always "being cute") and has aggressive panic attacks for seemingly no reason, somebody's going to love you because of it.  That pet peeves are easy to get over when someone's a really great person.  And also that normal things become pet peeves when someone totally sucks.  That people you thought to be lost causes... can surprise you and be awesome and make you feel super appreciated.   That most of my problems are created by me and my dumb imagination.  And that snails don't taste that bad! 

Being 26 was cool, I crossed a lot of awesome things off my list.  The first show I've ever directed is going up tomorrow and I actually can't sleep, I'm so excited!  And anxious.  Like super anxious.  Problematically anxious.  But still, it's awesome,  I hope a lot of awesome things get crossed off in my 27th year as well.  

Maybe I'll apply myself just a little more.  Maybe I'll work hard and pursue something totally out of my comfort zone.  Maybe I'll do something wild!  Or take a huge risk! Or maybe I'll just eat an egg for the first time. 

Baby steps.

Boston: My Family.

 

photo by Aaron Bouvier Design.

Monday was horrible.  

I was at rehearsal in a basement nearly two miles away and I had no plans of going anywhere near the race (I really don't like large crowds), but still... I was completely shocked and totally scared.  It was so close.  So unbelievably close.  So close I could hear the sirens rushing towards the scene.  So close that we could literally almost smell and taste it.  

Nobody I know was affected, but friends of friends certainly were.  But it feels like people I know were affected because these are my people.  These were Bostonians.  They were celebrating one of the most joyful, prideful (and alcohol-filled) day of the year... and they were attacked.  And nobody knows why.  

I have been obsessed with this whole thing ever since.  I watched the news all day on Monday with my friends.  I went home and read more and didn't sleep well because I was so disturbed.  I can't stop checking in to see what's going on.  I can't stop thinking about it... and the sirens in the distance and the helicopters flying above me certainly don't help.  But I don't want to stop thinking about it... at all.  I want to continue to keep these victims - and all of Boston - in my thoughts.  

But, to be honest, the past few days have been beautiful, despite a whole lot of tragedy.  

I've never felt more connected to my best friends in L.A. (who are originally from here, or the area) who are still texting us to let us know they love us and can't stop thinking about us and the city and giving us updates.  

People are acting nicer towards each other.  When bumping into each other, they don't snap, the apologize and say "that's okay."  (Which is big for Bostonians.)  I've heard less beeping and yelling.  People are asking for cigarettes or change, and people are helping and handing them over, and having conversations instead of ignoring each other.  It's brought out a kindness I haven't seen in a really long time.  

I can't stop thinking about all the people who were running TOWARDS the smoke and scene and not away from it.  Nor can I stop thinking about the runners who continued to run away from it... but towards MGH to donate blood to victims who were losing a ton of their own.  

The Twitter love from celebrities and all people across the country and world is making my heart melt. Stephen Colbert, Jon Stewart, Conan O'Brien (especially since he's from Boston) addressing Boston and its strength in their opening monologues literally made me cry.  And, of course, there was Patton Oswalt's response. 

President Obama's press conference calling us "tough and resilient" has resonated with me in such a strong way.  We are.  And like Wanda Sykes said on Twitter, "That's Boston, they never back away from a fight."

And last night, during the lottery (improv jam) in our House Teams show... we brought up a young boy sitting in the front row of the audience.  Usually, the lottery is reserved for performers from the various House Teams, but the kid excitedly got up and wanted to perform, so perform he did.  All the actors helped him on stage and set him up to deliver his own lines and he really did a great job.  Any time he said anything, the entire audience cheered and clapped.  When the show was over, he got a standing ovation.  And I had to rush back stage and cry.  I was overwhelmed by the love in that room.  The improvisers, who would probably feel weird to perform with a little kid in any other situation, all helped this kid out.  The audience got behind every choice he made and supported the SHIT out of him.  This kid was smiling from ear to ear when he left and his family kept taking pictures and smiling, too.  In the end, during the show's outro, Jeremy said, "I think we all needed that."  And everyone cheered.  

We did.  We needed to feel that hope... that pride... that resiliency... that support... we needed to be with each other and acknowledge that something really shitty happened to us.  All of us.  But there we still stood... completely united.  

Boston has always been inside of me... running through my veins and helping form who I am... but I have never been more proud to be a part of such a tough and resilient family.  We have each other's backs through everything.  And, if I can just remind you of one thing, from our dear brother Conan O'Brien... be kind.  And amazing things will happen. 

In Support of Selfies

Here's the thing... I love taking selfies.  If you've seen my Instagram feed, then you already know that.  People get a lot of shit for taking selfies.  I get a lot of shit for taking selfies.  Now that I'm repeatedly saying the word "selfie," I'm realizing how much I fucking hate the word.

Are selfies vain?  Of course they're fucking vain!  Of course they are.  I'm literally taking a picture of my face.  And you know what?  I like my face.  I think I'm a pretty gal.  Is that wrong to think?  Is it wrong to have a healthy image of yourself?  No, it's not.  Is it wrong to put it out there?  No, it's not.  But yes, it's vain.  And maybe annoying.  But guess what?  I'm vain.  (And maybe annoying.)  Everybody's a little bit vain.  In fact, most people are a lot bit vain.  

I used to really dislike myself.  (That's a fancy word for "hate.")  The high school version of me was nothing like today's version.  She was depressed, she wore a lot of black sweatshirts and sweatpants that were oversized and advertised the Gap, she would pine for a better life instead of actively trying to make the one she had better.  What a dummy.

Then I started taking pictures of myself.. and I started liking myself a little bit more.  I started having a little more confidence.  I started to focus on the positive and less on the negative.  I accentuated the features I liked (my eyes, my nose, my hair, my cheekbones) and less on the things I used to ONLY see when I looked in the mirror (the wrinkles under my eyes, my thin lips, my blotchy skin.)  It helped me to see myself in a different, way more positive light.  I don't take or post pictures because I'm totally in love with myself or because I think I'm perfect... but I do like myself.  I feel good about myself.  I also don't post pictures so other people can give me attention... although, I'll admit, it's a plus.  Because like I said before, I'm vain.  I'm vain as fuck!

So, that's why I support "selfies."  And if you take a selfie of yourself, I will always like it.  To let you know that I support you.  It helps me focus on the positive and feel good about myself for five minutes out of a day before I go back to being hard on myself due to a myriad of other things.  If you don't like it when I do it, or if you don't understand why I do it, then fine.  Unfollow me.  Scroll past me.  Go ahead and be negative because you're the only person it's weighing down.  You dumb asshole.  (I'm sorry for that. That was harsh.)

If you want to take a picture of yourself, don't be afraid.  Just put on a little bit of mascara.  Hold your camera at the right angle.  Put your lips into a duck bill formation. (Just kidding.  The surprised face is all the rage today.)  And snap away!  Be unapologetic!  (May I recommend taking it in Instagram so the image doesn't flip?  If you take it with your actual camera, it'll flip the image and your face will look like a disproportionate mess.)  (You won't think positively of yourself if your face is a disproportionate mess.)  (Trust me.) 

Life is Work.

 

 Life is taking a lot of work lately, my friends.

I took a hiatus from this blog because one day, I decided to paint my nails and re-watch Mad Men.  I spilled nail polish remover and got it on my computer screen and now it's broken.  Not so broken that I can't use it... but it's pretty broken and I should probably get it fixed.  So, there's that.  That takes work. 

Relationships take work.  All types of relationships.  And sometimes, I just don't feel like pulling my weight.  I just want to sit back and put my issues inside of a lazy river and let them flow around in circles until I feel like pulling them out and dealing with them when their skin is all pruny and wrinkly. 

Work takes work.  It takes a lot of work to keep your mouth shut.  It takes a lot of energy and tongue biting and "going with the flow" when, let's face it, I don't want to go with the flow when I don't agree with the flow!  The flow is stupid!  The flow should be challenged! 

Sometimes, getting out of bed just takes a whole lot of work.  (Because my bones ache.  It takes a lot of work to stop that from happening!)  Dealing with loss takes a whole lot of work.  Accepting change and moving on from people takes a whole lot of work.  Pretending everything is peachy keen (is that a phrase that people still use?) all the time takes a whole lot of work.  And it's all just to keep the peace. 

Basically, my life is a whole lot like the United States right now.  The threat of nuclear war is hovering over me and bombs are about to start going off -- but I'm just trying to keep the peace.  And the faith.  Because that's what Billy Joel tells me to do.  

What's the Marilyn Monroe picture for, you ask?  I'm hinting that my life is going to spiral out of control and I'm going to turn into a hermit crab and eventually die alone from drugs.  Or I just think she's pretty and looks like she's busy there, so whatever, deal with it.

Things to Love... on a Tuesday.

  1. i can't eat this little cake.  but it looks so awesome.

2. this is interesting. the 1950's were very different.

3. in love with this bird tattoo.  especially the location.

it's that time of year... my mind's racing.

4. very pretty, Modcloth.

5. such a perfect laptop bag!

 6.  SO COOL.

7. let it all go.

8. jimmy & justin.  last week was Timberweek and it was awesome.

also, i love his new album.

9. chevron necklace.

 10. warby parker. i want some new ones.

happy tuesday!

tomorrow's the first day of spring.

and i'm going to NYC this weekend with wnba.

good times! 

Currently.

instagramming: 
Probably the best moment I've ever caught on iPhone camera.  (That's how we say "film" now, right?) That's a stuffed animal Li'l Sebastian... which is the famous and adored miniature horse from "Parks and Rec."  I'm a fan, but Edith is not.  (The only other non-fan in the world, aside from Ben.)  I put it on the computer the other day and walked away.  This is what I came back to.  Truthfully, she was yawning, but she did keep sniffing Li'l Sebastian in confusion and slight anger.

watching: 
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Okay, so it's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Jimmy.  I have been for a very long time, and even when he became a bit of a "comedy joke," I still cared for him deeply.  Too deeply.  But now he's back in the best way... and I'm just getting into his show.  I've been watching it every night for the past few weeks and it's honestly hilarious.  I love the bits and the "Thank You Notes" and The Roots and the sketches.  It's almost like The Muppet Show.  Which is a very good thing.

Next up, I'm going to re-watch as much "Mad Men" as I can before it starts next month!  I'm so excited.  But, I kind of just want to re-watch seasons four and five... and start dressing more like Joan.  I'm also trying to get Beau to watch all of it before season six starts!  Challenge accepted! 

drinking:
diet a&w. just thought you should know.

excited for: 
Three things: Spring (wedge weather!), New York City next week (with all of my friends!) and my birthday in May.  Fuck yes!  

Also, in two weeks, I start production for my first grad show at IA.  I'm OVER THE MOON excited.  I love the class, they all get along really well and I get along well with them as their teacher.  My grad show was one of my favorite days ever and I can't wait to help put together that day for someone else!  I've already talked to one of them about getting a limo for after... even to just take us to the bar around the corner : )

happy about: 
- My house team, "The Lion, The Witch and The Closet."  Directing and teaching has been really fun these days.  It really makes me happy! I get excited for rehearsal and classes and have been looking into new things to do with them so that nothing gets stale.  It's a real fun time. 

- Having a week off next week to go to New York with a whole bunch of friends... and that it's happening on a pay day so I can dance like nobody's watching.  But my bank account is watching.

Around the Corner

Last year, around this time, I quit my day job.  It was a very hard decision.  I loved where I worked!  I knew that I'd never find a better fit.  But, as much as I loved the people... and the company and the freedom I had and how great they were to me... I wasn't doing what I loved.  And I decided to go with my gut and follow my dreams. 

My dream was to work in the basement of a CVS!

Just kidding.  But, I wanted to pursue comedy in every possible way.  I started teaching more, performing more, directing more... I had more freedom and availability were anything to come my way.  Not much did, other than the usual night stuff, but that was okay.  I quickly got used to spending my days with myself and doing what I wanted during the day because I sure as hell couldn't relax like that on the weekends or at night, when everyone else gets to relax. 

Financially, it's a mess.  I don't make nearly enough money and I struggle a whole lot.  Some months I just have to choose health insurance, rent, student loans and my cell phone over basic things like heat.  (And yes, sometimes I buy a lot of drinks or impulse buy a skirt, but I'm getting better.)  But, I don't regret my decision.  I still love my old company, but I know that I chose what was right for me. 

In a way, I accomplished all the goals I wanted to in the past year.  I found goals like "direct a house team" and "direct upper levels in the training center/a grad show" and "pick up freelance copywriting projects" being crossed off my list quickly.  And now, I wonder, what's next? 

I'm happy.  Very happy!  I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left and I'm worried about how content I am.  I'm dating someone great, I have an awesome job and I found the perfect hair stylist.  That's the dream, right?  I never would have thought all of this was just around the corner.  I just sort of took it day by day and when I reflect back, it's very exciting!  The things that happen right before our eyes is exciting.  The things that happen when we take risks or struggle is awesome. 

I've been in rough places before and I've felt that desperate sense that nothing was ever going to improve.  But sometimes, it just does without us knowing.  And sometimes it does with a lot of hard work and we find ourselves in better places we ever imagined!  There's something around the corner for all of us, we're just taking our god damn time turning it! 

I'm excited for what's coming up this year.  Maybe I'm too positive, but I think we're all gonna be just fine. 

Did you catch the "Gangsta's Paradise" reference in this post?  God, I hope so.  I mean, it's pretty obvious.  But if you don't know the song, you probably think I'm a crazy person.  And I'm okay with that!