J-O-V-A... popular in Puerto Rico.

Two girls walk into Mike’s past closing time.

One girl says, “Can I use your bathroom?” and she runs in.

The other girl stands and waits.

MATT
You’re going to have to buy a dessert in order to use the bathroom.

GIRL
No! Do I really?

MATT
Yes. You have to buy a dessert. You have to buy something. So, I don’t care what you buy, just buy one of these desserts.

GIRL
But it’s my friend who’s using the bathroom!

MATT
Well man up for your friend and buy a cheesecake.

GIRL
I can’t eat a whole piece of cheesecake!

MATT
I don’t care if you eat it or not, you can throw it out. You just have to buy it.Well, allow me to reintroduce myself my name is JOVA.

GIRL
What’s your name?

MATT
JOVA. J-O-V-A. I might not look it, but my mom’s Puerto Rican and my dad’s German. I look like my dad.

GIRL
Does it have to do with Jehovah’s Witnesses?

MATT
No, it doesn’t. In fact, that is the furthest thing from what it has to do with.

GIRL
I’ve never heard that name before.

MATT
It’s popular in Puerto Rico.

GIRL
Oh, I went to Chile last year and never heard it.

MATT
That’s a different country. Well, are you going to buy something? How about this, take a ketchup packet. No, don't take a ketchup packet, that would be stealing. Leave a dollar on the counter and take a ketchup packet.

GIRL
What about a quarter?

MATT
Yes, actually. Give me your quarter, I have to feed my meter.

Girl hands Matt her quarter.

MATT
Get out of here.

Then the girl ran out of the bar with her friend.

Some girls are so... dumb.

Maybe…

I still make the same faces I did when I was 2.

I care about other people too much and try to fix the problems of the people I care about and give unsolicited advice – but I really just want people to be happy! Particularly my people. The people I own.

It’s a little weird that I listen to Michael Jackson on repeat for hours.

I shouldn’t take so many de-stressing walks while blasting “They Don’t Really Care About Us”, but listen up, they work.

I’m really 70 and not 23.

It’s true that when your room/desk is in shambles… so is your life.

I say “FML” so much that it’s not even ironic anymore.

I’m a whore for a laugh. (Or call myself a whore to get laughs…)

I HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD IN MY HANDS (but I’m too lazy to do anything with it)

My memory is too intense that it freaks people out and makes them think I'm a stalker.

I shouldn’t sing and dance in the elevator when no one else is in there. There could be cameras in there. God, I hope there aren’t cameras in there… please, please don't let there be cameras in there!

I shouldn’t reminisce about my childhood because it only makes me sad because I’ll never get it back.

I'm not really a sea monster.

Bye Winter, I won't miss ya!

The winter sucked. I wish I was just being dramatic. But no, actually, this winter legitimately sucked for me. I was so depressed. I didn’t realize just how depressed I was until now though, when I can finally see clear.

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW THE RAIN IS GONE.

Stop it.

I was watching a video of the NXT’s closing song the other day and I had to shut it off. I couldn’t believe what I was wearing. I had no sense of style – I was just wearing an oversized white t-shirt with a black sweater. I think I was trying to go for a certain look – but really, all I was doing was hiding myself, which made sense for what I was dealing with.

Different show. Same outfit. Same idiot.

But now, I’m glad I can look on that and shake my head. I think I’m generally pretty fashionable! So, I know I’m going through a rough time when my style goes out the window. I had no energy to look good because I felt like the scum of the Earth. But now I don't care. I'm not scum anymore. I never was. I have always been a sea monster though! Sea Monster Patty.

But now my hair’s all cut. My style’s back. I haven’t been drinking excessively and I’ve been eating healthier. Everything’s just lining up. And I even stood up for myself last night! What a world. Spring is coming!

I'm A Boy, or Why I'm Single.

Recently, I was in the kitchen at my work. There were other people in the kitchen, and I saw one girl responding to everything one guy said with a series of giggles. I thought, “Eh, that wasn’t that funny.” There was some clear flirting going on – whether it was one-sided, I don’t know – but it was clear. She was smitten with this guy. She batted her eyes, swung her hair and forgot what she had originally entered the kitchen for.

I’m not judging her. We work with some cute guys, and I’ve had my share of crushes over the years – I know how it goes. But, I just don’t see the guys at work like that.* Like I said to Evan last week, “I don’t go to work to get laid.**” When I wake up in the morning to get dressed, it’s always for me.*** I don’t wear heels because they’re uncomfortable, and I think I can look just as nice in flats.

More importantly, I’m glad I can hold a conversation with the guys here. I go into the kitchen and instead of giggling at what people say, I just make a joke back. I’m more than happy to be one of the bros than one of the girl’s fighting for their affection. (Again, I’m not saying anything negative about any of the girls I work with – because I genuinely like everyone. And this doesn't apply to everyone.)

Maybe that’s why they recently asked me to host this event they’re putting on for a bunch of guys. Apparently it's because I have the personality for it and don't take anyone’s shit. I was honored and with all sincerity, “Thanks for considering me a bro.”

And ladies and gentleman, that is why I am single!

Oh, also because I am a sea monster.

*Shut up.
**Shut up, again.
***Fine, I had that one phase of wearing plaid shirts and printed hoodies for a crush. But that was so yesterday.

Missing the House Teams.

Tuesday. Pfft. What a useless day. It’s early enough in the week that it might as well be Monday. It offers no promise of the weekend (like say, after 3pm on Wednesday). There’s no good TV on (not like I have that anyway). Nobody wants to hang out and get drunk. It’s just a stupid day.

 

But, it wasn’t always like this you know. Before IA underwent reservations, we had House Teams. Oh, every Tuesday was a joy! I would wake up and smile, even when it was rainy and windy. I would go into work and immediately start writing a House Team message. Oh, those messages. They were such fun! It usually involved some mean joke towards Brian O’Hara and me being funny. Always me being funny. People enjoyed those messages! Cause it was me being funny. They’d say, “Patty! I loved your message today!” or “Patty, I look forward to your message every week!” And you know what? So did I, guys.

Then, I’d deal with work because I knew that when I left work, it’d only be a few hours until I was hanging out with all of my friends. All of them! Spread among four different teams! We’d laugh, we’d play, we’d perform some improv. Then, we’d hang out after and throw back a few drinks. I’d walk into the bar and Mike (the bartender) would go, “Usual?” and I’d say, “Yes.” And then I’d drink it.

But, now we’re on hiatus. And we have been for weeks. There’s no end in sight for our hiatus. And I’m just sad. No fun messages to write in the morning, no smiling, nothing to look forward to during work, no laughing, no playing, no performing some improv. No Mike the Bartender to make me feel like an alcoholic, and no throwing back drinks.

How do we ease this pain?

Cocaine and VHS tapes of Carlos Mencia doing stand-up.

Banjo in the Park!

Banjo Fiddle.

The days of Kiley and I's dogsitting this lil' thing are winding down.

I'm getting sad.

But look how cute he is!

Kiley took him on a photoshoot in the park the other day.

EDIT:

Photos taken by Kiley Fitzgerald. If you want pictures taken of YOUR animals - you should contact her. She'll do it for free while she beefs up her portfolio.She really captures animals' personalities too,like this picture of Edith.(If you know Edith, you'll know a backdrop of knives is... perfect.)

Springtime for Hit...Patler.

Today I woke up and realized it was almost spring. The sun was shining and the temperature was around 50 degrees. I left the house without a coat on, which I'll admit was a little premature. I got an iced coffee and met with Cavan for a sit on the ol' porch. The porch is a public greenway in the North End with fountains (during the summer) and benches and tables. We call it the porch because it's like our own personal front yard. The picture above is a view from the porch. Totes gorge.

During rehearsal for Awkward Compliment, I just sort of felt like the entire winter didn't happen. (Thankfully.) Having the porch back (I mean, it's always there, but barely warm enough to spend time on) and just hanging out with my friends. Just bein' with friends and hanging out with them. My friends. Hanging with my friends. It just felt like... new. And old. Like last summer. But new old times. I love a new old time.

I'm glad spring is almost here. All my winter blues are slowly fading away. And this winter was a doozy! So, on to the next thing!

By the way, it's 7pm and I only had 2 Coors Lites with 1/2 price app dinner with AC, yet somehow I feel drunk...

ON LIFE!