Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams and Dealing with Life


I was in high school when John Ritter died and I was extremely affected by his death.  I was going through a pretty serious Three's Company phase at the time, so when he died; I was  horrified and saddened.  I can't say that any girl at my high school in the year 2003 felt the same way that I did, but my love and pain was real!  

Yesterday, when I found out that Robin Williams died, it was a similar feeling - like I had been punched in the gut.  Robin Fucking Williams.  There are so many comedians out there  but Robin Williams was truly original and absolutely untouchable.  There is nobody else in the world quite like him.  Very few people could make people laugh like he did in such a genuine way.  Even when his characters were total assholes or weirdos, they were charming and lovable.  I'm seeing a lot of people say that they grew up with him and that's exactly how it feels.  He was like our kind, funny uncle Robin who was always there making us laugh and now he's just gone. 

The other reason it's so hard to handle is because of how it happened.  I wasn't entirely surprised, knowing that he dealt with a lot of personal issues with substance abuse and depression, but it's still shocking and horrible to hear.  It's hard to fathom what state he must have been in and what thoughts were running through his head and what finally pushed him over the edge to make that decision.  Moments like this are true examples that depression is such a real and hideous problem that so many people deal with and it so often gets swept under the rug.  I'm sure we've all been depressed before and were told to essentially "snap out of it" or "just fix it" or "do something about it" and it's so much bigger than that.  Brains are wonderful yet awful places to be.  

Life is hard... and death is hard.  Everything is so god damn hard.  I sometimes wish that I wasn't a "creative" type and that I could just accept a simple life, a steady job and solid relationship with no risks because this life and path is very difficult when it comes to maintaining a healthy, positive and happy attitude and lifestyle.   It's so easy to lose hope, feel like a failure and generally feel alone in the world, no matter how many people are saying, "I'm right here!"  There is so much (internal) pressure to be happy and please everyone around you that it's so easy to neglect your own health because what's the point?  Who are we to deserve such great care? 

My heart goes out to Robin Williams and his family for what he went through and what they're going through.  I'm sure they told him every day that they were right there, I'm sure they tried their hardest to convince him how truly special he was... but ultimately, something much bigger than him took control and that was that.  And that happens far too often.  

At least we got to have him.  At least he doesn't have to deal with the darkness in his life anymore.  At least his legacy will live on forever and he will always be ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS to us.  He may not have believed it to be true or even wanted it to happen, but he's going to live forever and someone will always be there rooting for him, laughing with him and appreciating him for what he was: the ever impressive, the long-contained, the often imitated but never duplicated... genie of the lamp. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Exes and Songs

An "ex" took this pic.  An Ellie Goulding song reminds me of this night. 

Music typically plays a big role in relationships.  There are always songs that you listened to or were just simply on in the background of a relationship.  When Beau and I first started dating, he got me hooked on Spotify and we would constantly just send songs to each other that we thought the other would like, or just songs that made us think of each other.  I remember sending him "You've Really Got A Hold On Me" from She & Him and he sent be "Go" by Common.  So... super romantic.  (It's a pretty gross song.) 

A few years ago, I dated this guy who turned out to just be the worst.  I still cannot believe that I even wasted any time with him. However, the summer that we spent "flirting" and "courting each other" (nobody uses that term anymore and it's a damn shame) is still one of my favorite summers and it was full of great music. I remember staying up ALL NIGHT and chatting with him on Facebook messenger while he sent me albums to download and songs to play.  I remember listening to those songs while going for jogs on the waterfront and thinking about how sweet he was for sending them to me and thinking of me.  

Of course, like I said, he turned out to be the worst so moments like that are kind of laughable.  Our "relationship" quickly fizzled out... well, at least for me.  But the music he introduced me to has still stuck around! 

I've been listening to it a lot lately - all Ellie Goulding and Lyyke Li and Little Boots and it's been nice to travel down memory lane. Even if the memories aren't so great (but they're not horrible, just kind of funny) - it's a funny little thing how music can do that to us and totally transport us to another place and time.  

Every relationship has its own mixed CD (not literally, but I wish) and even when the men are gone from my life, listening to the old songs always makes me smile.  From the first guy I dated in junior high/high school with whom I listened to a lot of Shaggy to the guy who welcomed me into his apartment for the first time playing Otis Redding's Greatest Hits. 

Some songs bring good memories (Otis Redding pretty much constantly) and some songs bring bad memories (I cannot listen to Regina Spektor because her album reminds me of a very bad end of something.)  But either way, every now and then it's fun to listen to those old songs to give you a break from the soundtrack of your present.  Good memories and bad! 

What songs remind you of certain periods/relationships in your life?  I think it's such an interesting journey to go down.  Yes, I still listen to the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy every now and then and somehow reflect HAPPILY on a past relationship with a guy who is probably somewhere dead in an Everett ditch right now.  

Oh, music.  You're great.  And horrible.  And great.  

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Who I Am vs Who I Want To Be


I had wild and crazy dreams when I was a kid and I legitimately thought they were all possible.  Some days, it'd be something as simple as being a receptionist.  I would sit at my desk, play on my computer and type nothing while pretending to answer phones. 

The good news is, I eventually became a receptionist.  Well, an office manager, but basically a glorified receptionist.  So don't let anyone tell you that you can't achieve your dreams! 

I also had dreams of being a dancer, singer, actress, artist, writer, etc.  Creativity was always something I celebrated in myself and it was my guiding light.  It's what got me to sign up for an improv class and become a performer.  It's what got me to open up a notebook (or even a LiveJournal page) and write.  I wrote all the time - I have journals full of garbage and even a short horror story called "Shrill Screams" that I wrote when I was in sixth grade.  Since I can remember, I have always wanted to do something creative... and the possibilities seemed limitless.  

When I think of the person I want to be and the career that I want to have, it's complicated.  I want to be a smart, hard-working person.  I want to be funny for a living and write all day long in a writers room all through the night.  I want to be happy and fulfilled and collaborate with other fun, creative people every day. 

The problem is that some days, I feel so stuck in what I'm doing.  Unlike when I was a kid, there are factors that actually go into achieving your dreams.  Shit costs money!  And I don't have my parents paying for things or the ability to get a part-time job at a theatre/school to pay for classes.  I need a full-time job to support myself and my dreams, but then I work so much that I don't have the time for anything else.  The older you get and the more responsibility you have, it becomes incredibly exhausting to chase your dreams.  It's all so daunting and overwhelming.  

However, these are just excuses.  It might be tiring and it might be the worst but if I don't take the necessary actions to further my own career then it's going to hurt me in the long run and I'm going to wind up miserable in a job/career that I never intended to have just because it was easy.  Sometimes, the easy way out is a fine idea... like Bud Light margaritas in a can!  So easy, so perfect.  But if you choose the easy way on major life decisions, chances are you'll end up unhappy and wondering what could have been if you had just tried.  If you just dealt with a couple of exhausting, long days to see how they might have paid off in the end.  

Terrifying, right?  Everything is terrifying.  Life is terrifying!  But if we fail, we fail trying and that's much better than hating ourselves for risks we didn't take.  It's time that I start aligning who I am with who I want to be.  If I want to be someone who achieves all of her dreams, I have to start taking the necessary steps to do that so I can start saying who I am and actually believe it. 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Things to Love on a Monday

1. what a gorgeous dress. that reminds me of Canobie Lake Park in New Hampshire.

2. i'm still "eating clean" (there were slip-ups...) 
but these pickle poppers look awesome.

3. love the colors in this photo.

4. great kitchen.


6. the perfect shower curtain!


 8. good harbor beach.  i miss massachusetts.


10. love her hair and outfit and yeah.

happy monday!

Friday, August 1, 2014

July is Over!


I have to be honest with you guys.  

I'm hungover.  

I met some friends at a bar last night - on a school night - and I drank a good amount of alcohol.  So today I'm feeling pretty terrible and I've bailed on paleo so hard today and I just don't care.  I had Cheez-Its for breakfast.  It's that kind of day.  

So, I feel like writing something lighthearted.  Like, I don't know, maybe talking about my July!  

July was great!  


I celebrated the Fourth of July by seeing Steve Martin at the Hollywood Bowl and it was a fucking awesome experience.  I still can't stop thinking about him and how funny he is!  It was such a fun night.  We ordered personal pizzas and brought them with us and brought some beers and a bottle of wine.  I love outdoor venues and California for allowing BYOB to be a thing!  I can't imagine any place in Massachusetts where they would openly let Bostonians bring any amount of liquor into an establishment.  We'd take advantage of that too hard.  And we certainly did take advantage of it, so I understand.  


Plus, would you look at those 'works?  Oh, I'm shortening fireworks to just 'works now.  So, get on that. 


I also dog sat Arthur while Matt and Jen went to Hawaii and took the cutest picture that I've ever taken in my life.  Those two were little lovebirds.  Not really.  They sort of hated each other.  But, in that picture - total lovebirds!


I spent a long weekend in Boston!  I hung out on the waterfront with Rob and Alex and had some of the best and most relaxing days I've had in a long time.  Boston is great.  It makes me feel all warm and happy on the inside.  

I spent a lot of time by the pool, reading this book and doing summer things.  I bought a car.  I went paleo for a second there... and trying to still maintain it as much as possible!  


And then last night I hung out with these dumb idiots.  

All in all, July was a pretty solid month.  It was full of fun, friends, swimming, my cute cat and other shit, too.  

I have to take a nap now. 

Thursday, July 31, 2014

I'm in Los Angeles.


You know what's weird?  I never wanted to move to Los Angeles.  I never had that thought in my brain - I always thought my next stop would be New York.  And then, in a spur of the moment decision, I chose Los Angeles.  It's so weird to me.  

A friend from work and I were talking about how we need to be "yes-woman" more.  For me, I'm kind of a home body and social situations tend to cause me great anxiety, so unless it's an alcohol-related outing (to loosen me up, y'know), then chances are I'm going to go home and cook dinner and sit on my couch, my porch or inside my building's hot tub.  Familiar places always win out over unfamiliar outings.   

Which brings me back to the "yes-woman" realization.   I turn down a lot of opportunities.  I say no way more than one who has done improv for the past nine years of her life should say no.  I choose comfortable 99% of the time.  But when I look back on all the times in my life when I actively chose the uncomfortable situation, they're probably the better moments of my life.  For example, moving to Los Angeles or choosing the BROWN oxford shoes over the BLACK oxford shoes.  Big decisions!

So recently, I chose to enjoy Los Angeles for the weird, strange place that it is.  I said "yes" to Jess and the two of us packed our gym bags (which I don't have, so I used a Madewell bag... super fancy) and went to a SoulCycle class in Santa Monica.  

I have never gone to an exercise class before.  Because again, anxiety.  I'm more of the do yoga/pilates at home and go for a jog type (and dance alone in my living room but don't tell anyone that part) kind of girl..  But, that wasn't doing me any good - and why not do a class?  It's not that I don't enjoy working out, because I actually do, it's just that working out with a group of people terrified me.  So, I think it's pretty funny that I picked SoulCycle as my first group class - but hey, Los Angeles.  

As Jess and I sat in the locker area waiting for the studio to empty out, the energy in the room was palpable and weird.  There were many people having conversations about different trendy diets they were going to try (says the girl who JUST tried a Whole30... and pretty much failed at it) and other people complaining about their days and other people just straight up talking about their SoulCycle experiences.  I was half excited/half vomity.

The class was... intense.  You get locked into your bike and you basically start right away.  There is cardio and strength training and push ups and small hand weights and bicep curls and dancing.  The lights are off, the music is blasting (it was techno... not a fan) and it's over in 45 minutes and everyone is a SWEATY MESS.  I had fun, I enjoyed it, I might even do it again.  But at the end of the day, I'm still an exercise loner.  

Afterwards, Jess and I walked our sweaty selves down the street and got acai bowls because we weren't feeling quite LA enough.  We sat on the street, blocks away from the beach while the sunset and the palm trees looked all pretty and I actually had a moment of, "Where the FUCK am I and how the FUCK did I end up here?" 

But it was nice.  I was happy.  I had a great time and I felt comfortable in my SERIES of uncomfortable decisions.  

Until, of course, it took me 45 minutes to drive home because the traffic at 9pm was STILL TERRIBLE.  

Oh, Los Angeles.  You're... something else.  

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story...


this is what has been on my mind. 

this is a lot to carry on one's mind. 

my mind is the worst.

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