Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Star Wars. I watched it.

I've never watched Star Wars until this weekend.

I just... I don't know. It wasn't something I watched as a kid. In fact, I've watched Spaceballs over and over and over, but never the actual movie it was parodying. Mel Brooks was my childhood jam than classic Sci-Fi movies.

Here are my thoughts: 

The movie reminds me a lot of Harry Potter. Maybe it's just the good vs. evil thing and the fact that it's two guys and a girl (and a Wookie) (and droids) on an adventure for freedom - but there were a lot of similar themes. Just an observation.

I like R2D2. He's my favorite character.

The moment where Darth Vader tells Luke that he's his father was pretty anticlimactic considering it's one of the biggest lines of all time. Maybe it was the way he said it... with less conviction and emotion than I thought. He just casually dropped the line as if he was saying, "My cape is black."

On another note, I always liked that Darth Vader guy and knew he'd be good in the end. That was not something I even knew about the moving going into it.

I hate the special effects that were added in the 90's/2000's. Awful.

I like Muppets. Man... Jim Henson -- what a career! What a weird guy! The Muppets in this reminded me of the Muppets from Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal and the first season of SNL... which is about right considering the time, but it's so funny to me that he created all those weird fucking puppets and then taught kids how to count every morning.

Chewbaca is really vocal about his emotions and all of his emotions sound exactly the same... but FUCK if he's not just adorable.

I know Ewoks aren't popular... BUT I LOVED THEM. SORRY NOT SORRY!!!

I have followed Carrie Fischer's career for a while. I've read all of her books and seen her perform her one-woman show live and I just adore her... so it's weird to see her in Star Wars as the "hot woman." I mean, she was great and gorgeous but it's so different than the Carrie Fischer that I know and love. Which is funny, because THAT'S the version most people know and love and fantasize about and gross.

Yoda was so much better than I thought. Before seeing this, I thought of him as this wise, ancient asshole... which he was! But he was funny, too! It's OK if you're an asshole as long as you have a sense of humor.

I could watch Muppets move all day long. Yoda jumping around and eating Luke's shit? So funny. You should also watch Kermit riding a bike in Muppets Take Manhattan. Hilarious. I digress.

Harrison Ford was handsome.


Monday, June 22, 2015


Right now, it is 1:30 in the afternoon and I am at home, in my bed, resting and trying not to choke to death during a coughing fit. I'm so bad at resting, I always have been. Even when I stayed home from school as a child, it would take less then 10 minutes of rest before I was up playing Barbies.

I'm on day 2 of being sick and so far, I am the same person now that I was when I was 7. I fucking hate resting. Yesterday, I spent all afternoon in my bedroom going between the movie Midnight in Paris, Marie Claire magazine and Judd Apatow's new book. Literally, every 5-10 minutes I would switch to another thing because resting was that boring.

Today, I tried to go to work... I really did. But I couldn't handle being around people with that much phlegm in my face. I was coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose, getting up for water every 10 minutes and then peeing every other trip. God dammit, I hate it.

So now I'm back at home... checking e-mails, reading a book, watching TV, scrolling through Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and for some reason, I also keep washing my face. I never realized how good it feels to wash your face when you're sick. Maybe that's not even a thing - but it is for me right now!

I have drank three entire Brita pitchers full of water today. And that's not even enough. I need more water. I need a faucet running down my throat at all times because my throat is on fucking fire. I feel completely helpless against my immune system. Rest helps, BUT I HATE RESTING.

This Judd Apatow book is really good because he's such a comedy nerd. Some of the interviews are with comedians before he was anybody at all - he was just a kid with a high school radio show. It's interesting to see pre-Judd Apatow Judd Apatow interview someone like Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and post-Judd Apatow Judd Apatow interview famous comedians that he is now friends with.

I wish I could spend more than 5 minutes at a time reading it.

I am home alone and I wish Beau was home to take care of me... I also wish that I was the type of person who would let someone take care of her. I wish I could boss someone around and make them bring me tea and a ham sandwich, but alas, I am not. I am also too lazy to get those things myself so it looks like I'm going without tea and ham tonight.

Fuck summer colds.

Monday, June 1, 2015


I'm going to Boston ON WEDNESDAY. I'm so excited to eat Kelly's Roast Beef at midnight and visit my friends in NH and eat delicious French food with my sister and celebrate my friend Eric's wedding and hang out with all of my friends and have an all around great time. Can't wait.

I got a sunburn today on my chest and my nose. It's real bad.

I recently got my hair done at a new salon in Burbank. It's retro 60's themed. I got blonde highlights. It was a great experience.

I went to Palm Springs a couple of weeks ago for my birthday... I LOVE PALM SPRINGS. It's a city built in my dreams. It still feels like it lives in the 60's, it's surrounded by gorgeous mountains, it's a straight shot two hour drive from L.A. I can't wait to go back!

My day job offered me a writing project and it has taken all of my time the past couple of weeks and it's been pretty fucking time consuming and awesome. I've felt oddly alive again. Like back in the writer's room/production process/nerdy shit. I'm happy.

I also just organized the intern program and hired 42 interns for my agency. It kicked off today and was a giant success (as of the first day) and I'm SO happy. I've got to be honest, it feels really fucking great to see a project through to the finish line. And frankly, everyone we hired is really great. This is going to be a super fun summer with my two full time jobs.

I think I'm adopting another cat next week. She was found on the street, she's a baby kitten and she's a survivor. I want to name her Reba. Ruthie and Reba!

Lately I've been oddly happy in my career. It's weird and all over the place and I like it. I don't even know how to define my career... but whatever it is, it's great.

Parks and Recreation is the best TV show ever. I never get sick of it. I watch it every night before I go to bed.

I made gummy bears soaked in Malibu rum last week and I thought it'd be gross and mostly just a joke... but they turned out surprisingly amazing and WAY better than vodka gummy bears because Malibu has a flavor. They tasted like tiny little pina colada bites. So good. Try it.

I turned 29 two weeks ago. I have one year left until I'm 30. I'm not scared of turning 30... but I feel like I have to do something big this year. Eh. Whatever.

In other news, I'm feeling more and more like an adult lately. I went to a friend's house in Venice to see her brand new baby (her second) and I had this moment of, "Oh man, this is what adults do." It only took 10 years to realize that I'm an adult.

My friend Doug made me a Miss Piggy cake for my birthday. It was covered in bacon. It was AMAZING.

Thanks for listening, Rob. (My only blog reader.)

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


It's Monday night and I'm watching The Simpsons on my couch… which is something that happens pretty frequently around here ever since every episode was made available on FX Now. 

I love television more than I should.   I watch it more than I should.  I talk about it more than I should.  If I had it my way, I would find a job in television that also let me talk about television all the time.  I don't nerd out about anything nearly as much as I do TV.  In fact, most of my close friendships have become stronger through a shared love for TV shows.  That's a sad fact about me. 

I am having a lot of problems lately with my body.  Everything hurts all the time and the chiropractor I went to made me feel really great and then he told me how much it would cost to go through with his treatment and I haven't been back since.  But I did buy a foam roller.  Everything pretty much still hurts. 

I am annoyed with drinking. 

I am enjoying getting older and slowly but surely approaching 30.  I can't wait to be 30.  I'm going to be the best 30 year old.  I'm really going to live my best life when I'm 30, just like Oprah says I will. 

I wear a lot of wife beaters lately.  I don't know what else to call them… because that is what I've always called them.  Ribbed tank tops?  Sounds worse. 

It's been kind of chilly in Los Angeles lately… and I like it.  But I also like it when it's warm out.  Either way, I'm going to wear my leather jacket. 

Sometimes I feel bad for liking my day job as much as I do.  It was only supposed to be something I did to pay the bills… and now it's like a place that I enjoy spending my time and I care about what I'm doing and the success of the company matters to me.  But don't worry, I want to be a writer more than anything - and I also hate myself as much as ever! 

I worry that my cat is my best friend. Just kidding. Haha. Not really. She's awesome. She sleeps in the closet. 

I kind of want to get married. But I also kind of realize that so many of my friends are doing that these days and that I am just caught up in wedding fever and I'm not entirely emotionally prepared for a marriage, because me and Beau are both poor and financially irresponsible… but it seems worth it for one day of attention. 

I accidentally put Premium gas in my car today and I thought that my car would blow up as soon as I turned the car on.  I Google'd it though, and apparently I'm a fucking idiot. 

Speaking of cars, I got a flat tire in a McDonald's parking lot last week while on a mission to buy 100 nuggets.  Beau changed the tire and I was pretty impressed… then I ate 25 nuggets and felt sick for so many days.  Gudernatch ate 50 nuggets though… so there you go. 

I really like snap pea crisps and I also need a new coffee maker. 

My prescription sunglasses are stronger than my regular glasses and now I have a constant headache and I also only see rainbow colors when I wear the sunglasses. All in all, am I going blind? 

That is all. 

Monday, April 27, 2015


I hate to be the type of person who needs to take stock of the simple, good things in her life – but turns out I AM.  That’s who I be.  Other than mashed potatoes, that is my favorite part of Thanksgiving!  Spending an entire day feeling thankful for things and focusing on the positive rather than the negative… (unless you think of the whole slaughter of Native Americans thing. Yikes.)

Lately, I’ve been feeling feeling a bit off.  Some might even call it blue.  But when I look around, I have nothing to feel unhappy about.  So, it's like, what’s the deal here?  I can’t even blame it on California anymore because god damnit, I kinda like this place.  So I started putting together a list of simple things that are making me happy right now.

Reading The Giver.  I never read The Giver, and if I did – I have no recollection, which isn’t something that happens often.  I recall A LOT.  I love reading books made for children because as I said to my boyfriend, “They’re powerful stories with short chapters.”  I have ADD, so it’s best for me to read important messages in tiny, bite-sized doses. But I do really enjoy this book… and there were parts I had to re-read to fully understand which makes me feel all kinds of intelligent. 

Going home. I have mixed feelings about trips home. I love Boston, it is my favorite city in the whole world. Being there makes me feel re-charged, especially during the summer. But typically, going home feels kind of weird and different because things have changed so much in the 1.5 years that I’ve been gone. In fact, a lot of my good friends don’t even live there anymore. When I leave to go back to Los Angeles, I feel bittersweet and usually wind up crying my eyes out in airports with big glasses of wine. That being said, I am really excited to go home. My friend is getting married, my travel plans aren’t terrible, I’m there for four full days, and I think it will be a good trip.

Ruthie.  As of this past Sunday, we’ve had her for a full year and I’m going to sound crazy but she makes me so happy.  My favorite time of day is when I come home from work, put my key in the door and hear her little bell running towards the door because she knows I’m home.  My favorite time of night is when she decides she’s too cold above the blankets, so she paws at my face or walks on me so I’ll know it’s time for her to cuddle with me.  I know it’s silly, but I have SO much love for that little baby feline who loves drinking our cups of water, having her belly rubbed and refuses to eat snacks outside of her meal times.

There we go. Happier already. (She says as she cries into a glass of Pinot Grigio.) 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Funny vs. Bully

Once upon a time, I was a new employee at a new job; as most people tend to be at some point in their lives.  I hadn’t worked a full-time schedule in a corporate setting for over two years and I was trying really hard to adjust and figure out what the hell I was doing.  I had just moved to California and felt completely displaced and insecure. Sort of the way a cat feels when they’re taken from their loving home and put into a new one.  Basically, there was a lot of hiding in the bathroom.

After a few months of what I considered “relatively decent performing”, a woman from the HR team came over to congratulate me on a job well done.   “You’re the new model assistant!” she said. “We aspire to find more people like you!” she said!   After months of feeling out of place, I finally regained my confidence.    

“Don’t tell her that we like her too much, then she won’t be afraid anymore and will stop doing everything we ask her to do and we all know I like to lead with fear!” responded my boss.

After a quiet pause from everyone, she followed her statement up with, “Just kidding!” 

I furrowed my brow and watched her while she rolled her head back in laughter and everyone else looked down at their computer screens with wide eyes and red faces.  It was at that moment I realized that it wasn’t, in fact, a joke and she DOES lead with fear.  It was incredibly awkward and I immediately went back to feeling clumsy and disoriented.      

As our work relationship grew, I continued to receive odd comments. There were jokes about my awkward personality, jokes about my lack of knowledge of the surrounding area and how it’s an inconvenience to her, jokes about me not attending company events and jokes about my sense of humor.

While these jokes were being made in front of everyone who sat with us, I was also simultaneously receiving feedback through email on a regular basis.  “It’d be helpful if you learned the restaurants around here so you can help me when I need to meet someone for lunch” or “Please be better about managing my schedule for the week on Sundays” or “your writing style reflects poorly on me and the other people you support.”  After a while, it was harder and harder to delineate between jokes, feedback and outright insults. 

While it was specifically odd to deal with when it came to my boss, I realized how often people try to veil their insults as jokes.  Whether it’s a friend jokingly saying, “I hate that you’re getting married first, just kidding!” or “That outfit looks like it was put together by a toddler… LOLOL JK.”    

I think it’d be helpful if more people took a second to process the following questions before speaking.   

How well do you know the person?   
If very well, continue. 
If not, do not proceed!   

Are you annoyed or frustrated with them? 
If yes, bite your tongue. 
Scream it into your pillow.
Write it on a piece of paper and then eat that piece of paper.  

Are you in a position of power, or their subordinate? 
If either is a yes, then stop!  What are you thinking?  Stop! 

How do they typically handle jokes at their expense?  
If well, proceed with caution. 
If not, they’re sensitive and you should say absolutely nothing and get out of there as soon as possible, in case it slips.  

Do they make jokes at their own expense?  
If yes, dip a toe in the water, but be careful. 

Do you have a playful rapport?  
Go for it.  

Truth be told, even in the best cases, there are going to be days when people aren’t ready to laugh at themselves.  Even though I'd like to pride myself on being able to dish it as much as I can take it, there are times when I just don’t feel like it… especially when it’s someone in a position of power of me.  It makes you feel totally defenseless.   It’s kind of hard to respond with a joke at your boss’ expense and not expect to get fired or at least a stern talking to.

There is always a time and a place for humor, but there ain't no time and no place for bullies.  There is a difference between being funny and being a downright terrible monster. At the end of the day, it's good to remember that I am rubber and you are glue and what bounces off me sticks to you. 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Alcohol with Age

I drank a lot when I was younger.  Before I was even 21, there was a bar that I drank at all the time.  Unsurprisingly, yet sadly, that bar is now closed. I started doing comedy when I was 19 years old, and everyone in comedy was so much fun / borderline alcoholics, so I started joining them after classes at the bar.  Once I realized they’d serve me, I never stopped asking…  and here I am, ten years later.

It didn’t take me long to realize that drinking turned me into a stupid human being… but that also didn’t stop me.  I loved that feeling.  It's going to sound like I have a problem here, but it was so much fun to lose all that control.  There was a point in my life where I woke up with just a tiny little headache and enjoyed meeting up with friends and putting the pieces of our night back together.

But as I get older, that gets less and less fun.   Maybe it’s because as you get older, your actions become less forgivable and unfortunately (or, fortunately – depending on how you look at it), I care about that.  I care about what I say, I care about hurting people, and I care about the state of my body the next day.   I hate the tension in my neck and shoulders, the feeling when you go through your phone and seeing what you texted someone and what pictures you sent on Snapchat or posted to Instagram, and the throwing up!  Alcohol-based vomit in your late twenties is a real kick in the dick.

I recently spent a night at home with my boyfriend and our friend, drinking a lot of vodka and watching the movie Anastasia.  (As one does at 28.)   The next day, I woke up so incredibly hungover that I couldn’t even eat my HANGOVER BURGER while everyone else seemed just fine.  They’re both younger than me, I never felt so old in my life. So, in my opinion, I have a pretty complicated relationship with alcohol as I age.

Yet, every time I make huge declarations that I’m done with drinking, I end up going harder than I ever have.  Last Saturday, enough was enough and then I ended the day 3 bottles of Chardonnay deep with my friend Brian.  But don’t worry; it was a “bit.”  Sunday was spent in a cloud of self-deprecation. 

The way I see it, none of this is my fault. 

Just kidding. 

I guess my real problem here is that I have a specific personality that alcohol so inconveniently intensifies.  A post about drinking probably seems like a bad time to bring up Bill Cosby, but I’m going to bring up Bill Cosby.  In “Bill Cosby: Himself”, he makes the following joke:

“I said to a guy, ‘Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,’ and he said, ‘Because it intensifies your personality.’ I said, ‘Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?’”

The more I drink, the more it heightens specific aspects of my personality.  I’m sensitive, guilty and emotional… and drinking heightens those traits, for good or bad. I love my friends so much and I need to let everyone know on every social media platform and through every text!  Or, someone says something kind of shitty and I get SO sad and sensitive that I say things I later regret.

I’m not saying that I’m going to stop drinking.  I don’t feel my life is spiraling out of control, nor do I drink enough to qualify it as a problem.  It’s just that I find it interesting that as I age, I feel so guilty all the time.  That happens whether I’m drinking or not, of course, but drinking heightens the guilt.  At one-month-from-29, that’s where my relationship with alcohol stands.  It’s a lot different from 19, 21, 26 or even 28. 

If you’re young, be happy you have a few carefree years left.   Most relationships get more complicated as you age… but none more complicated than one’s relationship with alcohol.

*This post has been sponsored by Irish Guilt, the Guilt That Keeps On Guilting. 


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