Friday, August 28, 2015

Advice From An Old Lady

Dear younger me / young women who are now an age that I once was, 

Congratulations on being in your lower twenties! And for graduating college, or choosing not to go to college in favor of pursuing goals that don’t put you in debt and for whatever it is that you're doing right now. You’re growing up and growing up is awesome. Challenging, for sure, but awesome nonetheless.

I know that your twenties are a time for making mistakes and learning from those mistakes.  If I were to do it all over again, I’d most likely make the same mistakes because I didn’t know any better. Sure, people always tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, but I never listened to them. It’s not that I didn’t trust or appreciate their advice, it’s that I was stubborn and in the words of Tommy Pickles, “A baby’s gotta do what a baby’s gotta do.”  

But, if I could give myself advice… this is what I would say:

Stop polling your friends. You know the answer no matter the situation. Don’t ask your friends if you should hook up with that one guy, because they’re going to have an opinion on it and you already have your answer, so what’s the point? Don’t ask your friends if you should go to New York for the weekend with someone you met only once to wait in line for tickets for SNL, because OF COURSE you’re going to do it. Yes, it sounds crazy, but you should do it because you want to and your friends are going to think you’re weird if you ask them about it. Everyone is going to have an opinion about everything and there’s no point in hearing it when you already know the answer. Their opinion is only going to make you feel guilty, embarrassed, stupid, etc. So buy stupid outfits… make stupid decisions… deal with the consequences. The truth is neither you or your friends know anything about anything… so just do it.

Stop oversharing. Don’t tell everyone what’s going on all the time. Nobody cares and if they do care, all they can do is pity you, empathize with you or lecture you. I was once in a really rough situation and made the mistake of telling basically everyone. A lot of people felt bad for me (which I felt extremely awkward about) and others didn’t care, didn’t know what to say, felt awkward or changed their opinions about me. At the end of the day, nothing about it felt good. It was nice to have support, for sure, but everything else was awful. I'm not sure why I did it, maybe I wanted people to feel bad for me, maybe I wanted attention, maybe I was just sad and it was the only thing I could talk about. Either way, now I tell my problems to french fries. They're great listeners. 

Be yourself. I spent a lot of time pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I pretended to be “cool” with things I wasn’t cool with (like, say, casual relationships that weren’t so casual to me). I pretended to be hip and into things I didn’t give a shit about (like obscure bands, indie films and scary movies.) When I break myself down and think of the person I am consistently, I am basically a very nostalgic nerd, an old soul and an introvert who prefers deep connections with a few people instead of having a thousand friends to fill up my spare time with. This is an okay person to be.      

And finally, don't get blunt bangs. They take a lot of upkeep and you will be too lazy to handle that. Also, they look terrible. 

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Living Like A Tourist

This past week, my best friends from home came to town.  I was able to take a full week off from work to hang out and show them around (Southern) California. I didn't have a ton of money but I think I did a pretty good job of giving them a lay of the land and a really good job of driving up the mileage on my leased car.  

If you live in Los Angeles, here is an itinerary for a successful trip with your friends if you're living "on a budget" (and by that I mean living within my means sometimes and above my means a lot of the time.) 

Hiking in Griffith Park. This one crosses off a few things for visitors - you get some sun and gorgeous Southern California weather, you get some exercise in and you get great views of the city. Before we left, I looked up a couple of trails in the park and when I got there, I couldn't figure out a damn thing so I just parked and picked the closest trail and hiked it. It wasn't too bad, but it was definitely steep and definitely hot. I prefer it over Runyon because it's prettier and less crowded. 

Mexican food. When in L.A., right?? LOL! (Shoots herself.) But really, it's good here and El Compadre is right next door and they have flaming margaritas. We didn't get them... but they do exist.  I figured there were a few Los Angeles food options that I should have treated them to and Mexican won out over Ramen, sushi and fish tacos from a random food truck that appears on a different side street somewhere between San Vincente and Olympic from 5-7 every day. (That's not a thing but it feels like it probably could be.) 

Pool party at home. Basically, I'm poor. So I thought I might as well set aside one full day to not spending money and having people come over so it looks like I have friends. I originally was like, "Let's throw a cookout!" and then I realized that we have no grill. So we had a bunch of drinks and watermelon slices and called it a day at the pool with friends and dogs. 

Santa Monica beach and pier. We wanted to go to the beach (another relatively free thing outside of parking and stuff on the pier) and I was thinking of going to Orange County to a nice beach but then I realized that it'd be kind of fun to be tourists and do something super California-y... so we went to Santa Monica. It was crowded and people were walking around screaming and selling fruit and umbrellas and boogie boards all day long - but it was actually kind of stupid and fun to drink white wine spritzers on the beach, get a horrible sun burn and play some arcade games on the pier. 

Malibu Wine Safari. The coolest part of the trip was Malibu. We had lunch at Public School in Culver City and then drove up to Malibu for a wine safari that was actually pretty expensive, but worth it. We stopped at the beach first because we were early and it was gorgeous. Guys, Malibu is beautiful. I don't think anyone knows that yet. We then saw Andy Dick in a grocery store where he was basically begging for attention. Then the wine safari! We got taken around a beautiful vineyard and ranch, fed cute rescued animals with carrots and tried six different wines and had some snacks with a view. It was worth it for the views and cute water buffalo. 

Vegas. Originally we were going to Palm Springs and I still kinda wish we went to Palm Springs (even though it's like 110 degrees) but instead we went to Las Vegas because we had Britney Spears tickets gifted to us by Jess' fiance. So we spent Wednesday driving to Vegas, swimming in the pool, seeing Britney and losing money at the Paris Hotel and Casino. 

Ralph's. I went to Ralph's more times than I'd like to admit. Like... a BUNCH of times. So many times that one of my friends said she felt the need to say goodbye. Thanks Ralph, you're a great friend. 

Overall, it was a pretty fantastic trip. There were a bunch of things I missed... but I live in the massive city known as Los Angeles, so GET OFF MY DICK. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Am I A Cult Follower?

In the new season of BoJack Horseman, there are a couple of themes visited that really cut to the core of me. First there was Bill Cosby, which makes me sad on so many levels (and not in a support of Bill Cosby way.) And then improv comedy. Oh boy.

They joke that improv is a cult and make it VERY clear that it is not a metaphor for anything else; they are saying improv is basically a cult. It’s funny… because it’s true. I mean that in the best way possible. From my personal experience, I basically bow down to the improv greats (TJ Jagadowski, Mick Napier, Susan Messing, Drew Carey, etc.) and every time I went to Chicago, I felt like I was going on a pilgrimage to mecca. Well, a pilgrimage that involved a lot of alcohol, drugs (done by other people because COMEDY IS MY DRUG!) and pretending to be a lesbian with my friend Julia on the dance floor of Howl at the Moon.

I have a semi-unhealthy obsession with comedy. My obsession with comedy started with religiously watching All That, Mad TV and Saturday Night Live every Saturday as a kid. I read every book (and discuss it at length with ANYONE who will listen… just ask my not-so-enthused co-workers) and I let it take over my life so much that I quit my full-time job to pursue it full time a few years ago... and heavily go into debt. I’m basically a cult follower of the improv philosophy. Oddly enough, my (current) day job is at a company that has incorporated the “yes, and” philosophy into its culture… so I literally can’t get away if I tried.

Outside of comedy, I also tend to have religion-level fascinations with whatever I am into at any certain point in time. When I was into the Backstreet Boys, I was into the Backstreet Boys. And just last week, I was really into these all-natural fig bars for breakfast every morning. (I don't think that one actually counts, but you get the point.) I have a tendency of overwhelming myself with things I’m fixated by/interested in and I think it would get me into some trouble if I stumbled into an interesting conversation with a Scientologist. I don’t think I would trust myself. 

So maybe I am a cult follower… but I don’t think I want to test it to figure it out for sure.

Also, I feel like I really need to note that Drew Carey was a joke. I know “if you have to explain a joke it’s not funny” but, I really feel the need to explain that joke.    

Monday, July 20, 2015

Plan B Weekend

this is a picture of iced tea. 

Good intentions were at the very beginning of this past weekend.

Beau and I both just got paid so we were ready to go out after being broke for what felt like years. Instead, we decided to order in and watch the brand new season of BoJack Horseman. To kick off the night, we drank weed. Yeah, we drank it. Have I mentioned we haven't been drinking alcohol? Well, we haven't been drinking alcohol. We live in California so we might as well weed (is that what people say?)

Anyways, I passed out before episode two.

On Saturday, I got an early start on the day... which happens when you pass out around 9pm from too much weeding. I made a pot of coffee, drank said pot of coffee and went to Target to "pick up a few things." My goal this weekend was to not spend too much money since I have friends visiting in two weeks.

That goal was immediately blown when I left Target with a giant mirror, a leopard print dress, razors and absolutely nothing that I went there for. Oh well. At least I now have a full-length mirror in my bedroom to further examine all of my flaws.

I picked Beau up from work and we had every intention of going out for dinner and seeing a movie in Los Feliz. It was pouring out so naturally traffic from my apartment in West Hollywood to Los Feliz was backed up for 45 minutes. We drove by the Los Feliz theater to see a huge line wrapped around the block. Since it was pouring rain and I wasn't hungry enough for dinner,  we drove back to Hollywood to see what the ArcLight had to offer.

It only had single seats to offer for the 5pm showing of Trainwreck and nothing together. We decided to go home, get out of the rain, order in and rent a movie.

Renting a movie turned into finishing BoJack Horseman, starting the final season of Gilmore Girls and falling asleep around 11:30pm.

I woke up this morning and thought, "Today is the day!" And it was the day... for a serious stomach ache. I ached and I ached and I cleaned the house and I ached some more but I didn't want to give up on having a weekend outside of the apartment. Beau needed new shoes for work so we hit up the Beverly Center and somehow wound up a half hour earlier than every person who worked there. We walked around like two senior citizens trying to get a work out in and eventually realized the store wasn't there anymore.

After that bust, we thought we'd give Los Feliz another shot.  However, the box office wasn't open yet for the 1:10 matinee so we decided to eat, despite my not feeling well.

After eating, we showed up the box office and it still wasn't open BUT we were the first people in line! Right after we showed up, people started forming a line behind us. "We're winning this weekend!" I thought. Then Beau said, "We probably don't have to wait in line for another half hour, we could probably walk around and come back." I agreed.

We walked down the street to one cute little store and found a $34 candle before I realized I don't need a fucking $34 candle and also that a candle is what I meant to buy at Target the day before! So we walked back to the theater no less than five minutes after leaving and THE LINE WAS WRAPPED AROUND THE BLOCK.

Sure, other movies were playing, but were all those adults with no children there to see Minions or Amy? No! Seemingly everyone in East Los Angeles wanted to see what we wanted to see.

We waited outside for minutes upon minutes on one of the ONLY 90 degree humid days I've ever experienced in California before realizing I wasn't feeling well at all. I was sweating and couldn't breathe and I had to go home. We abandoned the line and went home where I stayed in bed all day watching old episodes of Great Hotels on YouTube with a hot water bottle on my back.

Here's to next weekend. Hopefully I'll have what I needed at Target by then.

Thursday, July 16, 2015


This past month (aside from the 4th of July), I have participated in something called Dry July. At first, I just thought July would be a good month for me to stop drinking because there wasn’t much going on and it’d be a relatively easy month to not drink, as opposed to August when I have several guests in town and September when I have a couple of weddings. But apparently, Dry July is a thing. So look at me… being either unoriginal or just as inventive as everyone else!

One of the reasons for doing this is because I realized that I drink basically every day. Whether it’s one drink with dinner, or several drinks on a Friday night, drinking was a big part of my daily life. It’s not a problem, per se, but it’s definitely a habit that I don’t particularly love being a habit.

Last night, I decided to have two glasses of wine while at a bar watching one of Beau’s friends play music. Partly because I have a social anxiety disorder but also because I REALLY WANTED A GLASS OF COLD WHITE WINE, OKAY?

I enjoyed my two glasses of wine. I really, truly did. But you better fucking believe I felt like a piece of shit afterwards. I beat myself up ALL night long. I couldn’t fall asleep because I felt so bad for giving up so easy in one goddamn moment of anxiety-induced weakness.

When I woke up this morning, my body kept the beat down going with a HUGE headache. It was only two glasses of wine! I’ve drank a bottle of wine and not had a headache before! (Sad.) All I know is that I hated that feeling. I hated the guilt and I hated the headache and I also felt pretty fatigued all day as well. So… I guess alcohol really does have a pretty big effect on our bodies. How upsetting is that?

Today, and the rest of the month, I’m going to continue in my non-alcoholic journey (at least through July.) I think afterwards I’ll still cut back because I have not been craving, needing or wanting alcohol with dinner or during any occasion where I’m not celebrating something… or feeling socially anxious.

That being said, I did eat a pretty large amount of gummy sharks today so I don’t know if I’m learning any health-related lesson at all.

Friday, July 3, 2015

If I Could Do Anything Else

An interesting question was posed to a partner at my work the other day and in return, it got an interesting response. Someone asked, "If you could be doing anything outside of advertising, what would it be?" 

It got me thinking... of course, I don't consider myself in advertising. These days, I consider myself a lost floater. I don't know what I want to do or be, but I keep finding myself following two paths: advertising and comedy. Those are pretty good paths, I think. They're creative environments run by cool, young people with tremendous egos and big ideas. I think those are environments that I thrive in best. 

However... what would I do if I weren't doing this? 

Journalism, maybe. A few months into my first full-time job at a marketing agency, I applied for an internship at a Boston-based magazine. I interviewed and it went really great - so I got the job! It would have been unpaid and would only have lasted a few months. There was no guarantee of landing a job there. So, I decided to turn it down. 

Sometimes I wonder if my career would have been different. Maybe I would have got a full-time job there. Maybe I'd end up an editor of some sort and then leave, move to New York City and get a bigger job at a bigger magazine. Maybe I'd be living there right now, happy as a clam and doing comedy on the side. 

I still sort of want to write for a magazine. Maybe that's still in the cards for me. 

Otherwise, I have no clue what I'd be doing. I never thought much about anything except writing. That's the only real, solid vision that I ever had for myself. I don't even do that for a living right now - but it's a part of everything that I do. 

Sometimes I wonder if I do better in a corporate environment with set hours and schedules. I do like the structure, but I hate the feeling of being contained. I hate the idea that I have to be somewhere until 5pm (or longer) every day. Even when I have nothing to do - or I'm tapped out - I have to sit there and pretend or create busy work. All of that makes me feel dead inside. 

But then I think back to days when I worked and performed at night. I did nothing with my days. I'd wake up around noon, go for a walk, watch things, and basically just sit patiently until I had to be at the theater. There were a few productive days... but they usually involved a production process where I had to be productive and write sketches. 

So, you see, I'm at a loss. I don't what I'd be doing if I wasn't doing what I'm doing. I also don't really know what I'm doing right now. What a fun way to be!

Tomorrow, I think I'm going to start writing erotic novels for creepy people. I think there's something there. 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Star Wars. I watched it.

I've never watched Star Wars until this weekend.

I just... I don't know. It wasn't something I watched as a kid. In fact, I've watched Spaceballs over and over and over, but never the actual movie it was parodying. Mel Brooks was my childhood jam than classic Sci-Fi movies.

Here are my thoughts: 

The movie reminds me a lot of Harry Potter. Maybe it's just the good vs. evil thing and the fact that it's two guys and a girl (and a Wookie) (and droids) on an adventure for freedom - but there were a lot of similar themes. Just an observation.

I like R2D2. He's my favorite character.

The moment where Darth Vader tells Luke that he's his father was pretty anticlimactic considering it's one of the biggest lines of all time. Maybe it was the way he said it... with less conviction and emotion than I thought. He just casually dropped the line as if he was saying, "My cape is black."

On another note, I always liked that Darth Vader guy and knew he'd be good in the end. That was not something I even knew about the moving going into it.

I hate the special effects that were added in the 90's/2000's. Awful.

I like Muppets. Man... Jim Henson -- what a career! What a weird guy! The Muppets in this reminded me of the Muppets from Labyrinth and The Dark Crystal and the first season of SNL... which is about right considering the time, but it's so funny to me that he created all those weird fucking puppets and then taught kids how to count every morning.

Chewbaca is really vocal about his emotions and all of his emotions sound exactly the same... but FUCK if he's not just adorable.

I know Ewoks aren't popular... BUT I LOVED THEM. SORRY NOT SORRY!!!

I have followed Carrie Fischer's career for a while. I've read all of her books and seen her perform her one-woman show live and I just adore her... so it's weird to see her in Star Wars as the "hot woman." I mean, she was great and gorgeous but it's so different than the Carrie Fischer that I know and love. Which is funny, because THAT'S the version most people know and love and fantasize about and gross.

Yoda was so much better than I thought. Before seeing this, I thought of him as this wise, ancient asshole... which he was! But he was funny, too! It's OK if you're an asshole as long as you have a sense of humor.

I could watch Muppets move all day long. Yoda jumping around and eating Luke's shit? So funny. You should also watch Kermit riding a bike in Muppets Take Manhattan. Hilarious. I digress.

Harrison Ford was handsome.



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